Jazz-Hands

Last time around, Cororon and Pollysim won 6-5 to take the match to two games to one after what proved an inspired substitution.

This proved to be not the only clever angle that Zeri’s team had wangled that day.

‘That’s it, Florida1Cowboy – give us the profile shot of you with the fish! I can see the headlines already – Rock Star Not Only Finds Catchy Tunes, But Catches A Fine Tuna!‘

‘Yeah man, sure, always happy to help ma’ ol’ buddy-pal Scott Riggs help me reach out to my beloved fans!’

(Mutters under breath, ‘Unctuous Twat!’)

‘HEY! COWBOY! YOU BIG POOL OF CAT PIDDLE!’

‘Uhhhhh? Oh shoot! Ah, hahaha – another of my adoring fans! Sorry kid, no autographs today! I’m chilling out and kicking back!’

‘The only kicking back that going to be getting done around here today is me to you, you big cheat! I’m going to put my foot so far up your butt Mister, the paparazzi are going to have as tomorrow’s headline Florida1Cowboy Models New Converse Hats!’

”Cuse me, little girl –  but what do you mean by cheat?’

Looks like Cloverstardropper’s having one of her ideas. Oh dear!

(puts on very bad hick accent) ‘What ah mean, Mister – is that Joe Jeezly is mah man – and he’s on this here island with all his floosies ahind ma back!’

‘You, you’re married to Florida1Cowboy? But you can’t be more than 15!’

‘Fifteen! Ahaha, what sort of old broad d’ya take me for – I’m only thirteen, sugarbutts!’

‘Thirteen? But how on…’

‘Hey Mister Pressman, back in the good ol’ Bay Starter you can get hitched at twelve if you can git parental and judicial consent! Just a few bungs ta the right fowks, and sending the boys round ta break the legs of dem gonzos still wannin’ ta stand in the way of our eternal bliss!’

‘You mean you used bribery and threats?’

‘Why sure, it’s the God-fearing American way, an’ you should be proud of it! Now ahm tellin’ ya, mister, I’ve put up with a lot for this man – dang ah even sold one of ma kidneys to get him bail after gettin’ caught with that there mountain goat in that dirty motel room up in Colerado, but this is just… erm, ahm I speaking too fast for you to right all this down, ma lil’ quahog spuckie?’

(Anyone reading this having a desire to start playing a banjo yet?)

‘Mr Cowboy – can you tell our readers why you’ve kept this outrage from your fans?’

‘Top Rocker In Jerry Lee Lewis Type Shocker! Wait till our readers hear this!’

‘Mister Cowboy. Is it true that you and the mountain goat were seen only last weekend stepping out together at the Cannes Film Festival?’

‘Er, um, ah – goodness, is that the time! Sorry but just remembered an urgent dental appointment – there will be an official statement from my press officer later today.’

(Thinks: ‘I’m going to kill that conniving brat for this!’)

‘Heheheheheh!’

‘Why, Whtrbit dear! Back so soon from taking Beth and Blueeyed32 to the hospital? You’ll never guess who’s at our Gnubb Park just now – Beth, with barely a mark on her! What have you to say about that?’

‘Mimble wimble nyggg nyggg nyggg nyggg…’

Think that’s Vietnamese Simlish for ‘Oh danglies, we’ve been caught!’

‘I’ve got a great idea – you and Florida1Cowboy come back to the Gnubb park, right now, and play the fourth game as the only two in your team left to play, and not only will we say no more about it, we’ll make sure those paparazzi don’t end up sending that story to their agencies – with a small administration fee of §100 000 for each of our team to defray our expenses at this going into a second day, and an extra §100 000 to cover the repairs to the park after Florida1Cowboy semtexed our barbeque! Deal? Of course it is!’

So a few quiet words, a few envelopes well stuffed with simoleons, and a promise to the paparazzi that they wouldn’t let Haily have her way with them in her dungeon if they kept schtum later, the fourth game of the match was finally ready to get under way that evening.

‘What d’ya think? Over in quarter of an hour?’

‘Couple of kids. Piece of cake. Over in ten!’

But for all the psyching up Florida1Cowboy and Whtrbt did with one another, there was no question the one overall fear on the Simpletons minds was that now the homesters were free to pick any of their players again, it was certain they’d be facing their one hotshot, Willow Tyneham, again.

But who would partner her?

‘Guess who? Shaddup and let me see you jazz hands  – tee-hee-hee-hee!’

Ah, that sweet innocent face you’d never tire of punching!

‘Aye, seconded!’

Now now, Pollysim, play nicely!

Which is more than can be said for Florida1Cowboy – judging by his attempt to open the innings for Simpletons, which has been awarded an X-certificate.

Perhaps had he not decided to help himself to liberal litres of some ‘loosening up juice’ at the free bar, he’d not have found himself having to answer some new embarrassing questions from the paparazzi.

‘Florida1Cowboy – can you explain to our readers why someone that’s such an ace drummer could be such a Gnubbn00b?’

‘Mr Cowboy, do you think it will have damaged team relations that one of your batons has hit your team manager Zeri and caused what appears to be a major concussion from the master of percussion?’

‘”Major concussion” yer arse in parsley! She’s pissed as a fart n’all!’

Oh, Pollysim. For shame at such a character assassination of such a fine upstanding member of the Sims community!

‘Aye right, she’s barely standing the now! She’s been knocking the slammers back since we arrived in the afternoon – between the two of them they’d drank the place dry quicker than the Tartan Army at a World Cup Final! Check the nick of her over at the covered enclosure!’

‘***Hic!*** Dat’s un outragusss shlurr on my caricature, er, tur, er, shomething Pollyshim. ***Burp!*** Ash ewe kan ceee, my lessh, er my legsssshh, um, my feet are firmly on the ground. It’s jusssht the resht of me dat’s ducking rat-arshed! Un if ewe thunk I’m tipipissedity, wait till you see Mish Shkettle Shcreams!’

‘Na na-na, na, na-na na, na-na, nana, nee-nee, nana-noo-noo, nana-noneynoo, nana-mouskouri, uhm, ***hiccup!*** heh-heh, how dosh the wurrds of that My Comical Falange shong go again shomone?’

Oh dear. Let’s get back to the match!

Whilst Haily was challenging the giant pink elephant to a fight (‘un all uf yurr friggin’ mates n’all!’), the moment Simpletons had been dreading arrived as Willow stepped up to take the first throw of the game for Jazz-Hands Gnubb Club.

It went as badly as they’d feared – one, two, three with barely a hesitation, leaving a nervous Whtrbt with having to perform as well to keep Simpletons in the mix.

Whtrbt proved however to be no slouch, and downed two gnubbs with two deftly placed shots, and had he only put some more force into the third throw would had got a hat-trick as well instead of a weeble-wobble-but-didn’t-fall-down.

Switch was up next, and had no problems with her first throw to bring the score to 4-2.

But any hopes of a three baton finish to the game and match swiftly evaporated as twice Cloverstardropper came a cropper – throwing well short of the end pin.

‘Yeeeeeeah! Suck it up, n00bface!’

‘Meh! I always play badly when I’m hungry, or sleepy, or grumpy…’

Or any other dwarves she has as multiple personalities!

Note Haily sleeping on the bench on the other side, showing how confident she was of Switch finishing the game.

Florida1Cowboy now had the chance to restore some pride and set Whtrbt up for a possibly finish next turn if he could at least knock down one gnubb.

The flash of the paparazzi cameras didn’t put him off in the slightest as this time he pulled himself together for an impressive hat-trick to put Simpletons into a 5-4 lead!

Cloverstardropper was peeved, but worse for the Jazz-Hands team, a combination of hunger and a lack of sleep was now catching up on Willow at this crucial part of the game, as indeed it was for the rest of the team.

If Willow couldn’t win the game – and therefore match – now, there was every chance that JHGC could be caught napping literally if the match went to a fifth and final game.

Tired and hungry or not, Willow’s mood meter took a momentary upswing as she clattered down the final gnubb bunny to put her on a two baton finish for the gnubb king and the match, much to Whtrbt’s rage.

‘Er, Cororon, it might be an idea if the two of us did a moonlit flit before this all turns nasty!’

‘What Pollysim? But the game is not over yet. What could possibly happen over a game of Gnubb.’

‘Not so much the Gnubb game – more the folk getting crabby ‘cos they’re tired, drunk, about to lose the game, being Jazz-Handers or a combination of the four!’

So with Willow Tyneham up to face the King for the first time in the game, the atmosphere was electric (so electric even Haily woke up to watch!).

Five-all, and match-point.

‘Urrr, so n-no pressure on me, i-is there?’

None at all. Other than shame, humiliation, ignominy, everyone pointing and laughing at you or throwing stale hot-dogs and grannyburgers at you if you fail, of course!

‘If only Zeri and Florida1Cowboy had not drained the refreshments, as I do sorely wish to have imbibed some small tincture to settle my discombobulation prior!’

No idea what she’s on about, but it sounds like she ought to see a doctor about it…

So Willow tried to steady her shaking hand and growling stomach and take aim…

…she took her first throw…

…and the Gnubb King fell to the ground with a sharp finality.

Joy for the home side, and a tale of what might have been for the visitors.

Had they put Cororon and Pollysim in the first team, they could have had them back for the crucial fourth match. Could it have made a difference had Whtrbt played earlier? As he only got one turn, but scored a hat-trick, who’s to say whether he could have tipped the balance in one of the first two games in their favour?

For now, JHGC can enjoy their unexpected win – and §700 000 windfall c/o Florida1Cowboy’s reparations! – and Willow can enjoy a bread and jam sandwich.

For now, at any rate.

‘Just wait until she and the rest of Knaith’s Waifs discovers I’ve put Senna extract into everything in their fridge – that’ll send the Blogheads celebrations right down the pan!’

‘Ahahahahah! Nice one!’

(Thinks: ‘But you’re still getting Justin Bieber’s face tattooed on your bum cheeks again on the boat home!’)

So with JHGC having a quick Safety Dance as the celebration party starts (ending abruptly one hour later as they all start having to dash to the toilet…) that brings us to a close of the first inaugeral Gnubb Club match report.

When, where and who will the next one feature? Stay tuned to find out!

With the score at 2-0, and vampire abilities proving to be no help it was time for some tactical changes by the Simpletons squad.

‘Hee-hee-hee, if I’m about to go out, I’m gonna love going out with a bang!’

‘Florida1Cowboy, what are you doing with that widget and why did you ask Beth and I to come over to the BBQ grill?’

‘Don’t worry Blueeyed32, it’s all to improve our team play!’

Have they seen the light?

No, they’ve seen Beth and Blueeyed32 set alight!

‘Oh dear, the barbeque’s exploded. Must have been one Cloverstardropper overcooked burger too many. Right, sorry everyone, but we’ll have to stop the match for tonight and reconvene here tomorrow morning while we replace the two BBQs before Health & Safety get mad. That okay with you Zeri?’

From the lack of surprise, ever get the feeling exploding BBQ’s are a regular hazard for Jazz-Hands Gnubb Club?

‘Wahahahahah! Lovely job, this respite’s all we need to put Plan C into effect. Whtrbt, keep throwing the water pitchers over Beth, she’s bound to extinguish soon. Shay, get Blueeyed32 back to the house, we’ve some Vasaline there – assuming Florida1Cowboy hasn’t used it all up already.’

Let’s not ask. Really.

Onto the following morning, bright and sunny as ever because EA still haven’t figured out how to do weather in Sims 3, meaning perfect conditions for the third game of the Jazz-Hands Gnubb Club versus Simpletons match.

‘Morning Zeri, trust all of your team are none the worse for last night’s unfortunate events?’

‘Ah, unfortunately we had to send Blueeyed32 and Beth over to the Sacred Spleen over at Sunset Valley to tend to their burns. Whtrbt and Florida1Cowboy had to accompany them, so that’s left us with a problem regarding our team as now we’ll have to use our two substitutes since Shay and I have already played, but fear not, they’re on their way right now and shouldn’t be too long.’

‘Ahahaha, no problem at all Zeri, these things do happen. We’re happy to wait as long as it takes for them to get here.’

Haily Faber however doesn’t look as happy.

‘Elysia, you doofus! Don’t you know who their two substitutes are?’

Even less happy is Cloverstardropper.

‘If Whtrbt and Florida1Cowboy are over in Sunset Valley with their two wounded team members, well tell me who it is I saw this morning down on the beach when I was feeding the crabs last night’s left overs from the barbeque?’

Sounds like something fishy’s going on.

Indeed, they are still there.

‘Caught a bite yet?’

‘Yep!’

‘What?’

‘About a thousand sand fly bites.’

Here’s Zeri’s Plan C, delighted to be part of the sporting activities at this state of the art arena with fellow enthusiasts.

‘Herregud! What the hell is this dump? And what’s is wrong with those girls’ colouring? Do they have moon tans or something?’

‘Holy socks, Zeri! You didn’t tell me it was THEM we were playing!’

A few hours previously…

‘That’s it all settled, Shay. Cororon and Pollysim will arrive tomorrow morning, and we’ll meet them at the ground for the game while everyone else stays low until the match is well underway. Both have been putting in plenty of practice, so this ought to be a slaughter.’

‘Er, Zeri? You did tell Pollysim who the game was against, didn’t you?’

‘Whoops! Completely slipped my mind! She never asked though.’

‘Ah what the heck, it was over a year ago. All forgotten and in the past, eh?’

Now now, Haily and Hazel, play nicely!

‘Listen up, fanny baws! The only grannying around here is the sort Cororon and I are gonnae do to you bunch of undead and braindead in a minute!’

Now they’ve upset her!

‘To think she’s the first one of that lot ever to appear in here too! So much for Grant Rodiek telling us Gnubb increases sociability, fun, friends and relationships – this could end up like a day on the EA forum. Innit marvellous?’

‘Ready to hand them a lesson in the beautiful game? Polly, you’d better do the Simmie Wonderwoman impression and get changed into something more appropriate!’

Haily’s already done so, but it doesn’t appear to be making her any more prepared for the game ahead. She has the shyness trait, which does appear to have a negative effect on playing the game if there’s a lot of people near the Simmie with it. Pity for Simpletons that so many of them are hiding just now!

Hazel Tyneham made the first throw of the third match, falling short with her first baton throw at the right-of-centre bunny gnubb.

Her second throw proved to be more successful, whilst her third throw threatened to knock down Pollysim as well as the right end gnubb bunny.

‘Going to granny us, Pollysim? I don’t think so!’

‘Um, looks like the kid’s not a Gnubbn00b after all!’

Looks like anxiety at another lost game and losing the match has brought out a twinge of an old ailment as well.

(Sorry, couldn’t resist!)

‘Relax. Polly. Remember that you have on your team an international master of the game – Sweden’s the spiritual home of Gnubb after all.’

Which Cororon proved swiftly enough, tossing her first baton with little hesitation to start her account, before evening the score with her second, all in under quarter of a minute.

Now everyone knew there was a game and a half on!

Miss Skeletal Screams was in awe.

So for that matter was Pollysim.

‘Uhhhhh, can I have your autograph, wash your slimy towels in new formula Figwit, perhaps have your babies too?’

However, hopes of a hat-trick were dashed as Cororon stuck once more with her third baton. The bunny wobbled, but like Weebles didn’t fall down.

Haily was up next, taking her time to aim her shot.

But this proved to be another clean hit not resulting in a gnubb bunny going to ground.

Disheartened, Haily lined up another shot at the same one.

‘If I may beg your indulgence for a moment, but do you espy the woman sitting next to my sister in the stand?’

Yep.

‘Do you notice that she bears no slights or hurts upon her suggesting of burns?’

Yep.

‘Is it therefore not presumptious to think that in order to buy themselves time to get their substitutes over, we have been somewhat deceived by a clever ruse?’

Yep.

In fact it’s fair to say they’ve just inserted into your person up the fundament and are calling you their canines of the feminine gender.

‘Indeed. It is most disagreeable.’

That sort of thing usually tends to be so – unless you’re that way inclined!

Miss Skeletal Screams second and third throws proved no better, leaving the score at 2-2 with Pollysim now stepping up hoping to give Simpletons the advantage.

Her first baton flew high, but it flew true, as Simpletons regained the lead.

Her second however shot well wide.

While her third bounced off the bunny, which again wobbled but failed to fall…

…much to Haily and Hazel’s quiet amusement.

Their amusement didn’t last long however as the exact same thing happened to Hazel in her first throw.

Plus her second, plus her third!

Having failed to knock down a single gnubb in a full team rotation, that put Cororon with the opportunity to finish the match if her luck proved a little better than last time.

No hesitations and no problems at all with her first shot to give Simpletons a two bunny advantage.

Her second shot proved another one however falling victim to the ‘iron bunnies’, whilst her third baton flew straight into the air when she jolted thanks to Pollysim yawning suddenly.

‘Looks like Cororon’s luck’s changed for the worse. Maybe mine is about to change better?’

Sure enough, after missing by a mile with her first throw, Haily smacked two gnubb bunnies right back into their warrens to level the score, much to Pollysim’s despair.

‘Yippee! We’ve still got a chance! If Pollysim fails to win the game this turn, you’re on a three baton finish!’

Pollysim’s first throw looked good for height and speed, but clipping the last bunny on the side wasn’t enough to topple it.

She made no mistake however with her second throw, putting Simpletons at their first game point.

‘Come on Polly, you can do it!’

Pollysim threw for the match…

…it caught the Gnubb King’s crown…

…and bounced straight back out!

‘Of all the effing luck! Is this about to be another of those “And it’s disaster for Scotland!” moments in sport coming up?’

Mebbies aye…

…mebbies naw, as Hazel’s poor form continued as it took her all three batons to knock down their final bunny.

‘Ahahahaha! Let’s see your jazz hands now! Gettit up ya, bawbag!’

Haily could scarely believe they’d come so close to a comeback, only to hand it on a plate to the most consistent player throughout the match.

Three batons, one Gnubb King, and Cororon stepping up to take the third game…

…which par for the game so far, she managed with her first throw.

The Gnubb King’s flat, the baton’s flat, but Simpletons‘ chances in the match certainly aren’t as Cororon and Pollysim win the game to pull it back to 2-1.

‘The result was never in doubt. We just took a little longer to get there, that’s all. Now it’s time to step up a gear. Anyone for an anchovy margurita?’

So with Simpletons back in the match, it’s onto the fourth game next time. Can Simpletons draw level, or will the homesters succeed with their second bite at the cherry?

You’ll find out next week!