Gnubb Club – Matchday 1: Jazz-Hands GC vs Simpletons GC – Game 2

So it’s the second game of the Jazz-Hands Gnubb Club versus Simpletons match, this time it’s the battle of the team captains, with Zeri and Blueeyed32 stepping up to take on Elysia Knaith and Rowan Tyneham.

Shay (Gramcrackers) and Beth (GreenB70) are taking time out to reflect upon the first match.

‘Maybe Shay there’s some sort of book you can read to become better at this.’

‘Yeah, I’m sure there’s a Gnubb For Dummies in Walmart, you fracking Gnubbnoob!’

‘Ooo, I’m really not up for this, that round of Alternative Absinthe cocktails Florida1Cowboy made are kicking back already.’

Alternative Absinthe?

‘1 part lime, one part crème de menthe, a hint of wormwood and one paint remover.’

Erm, didn’t you notice any difference in taste?

‘Not sure, but I know I’m noticing a difference in the number of braincells I had at the start of the day!’

Indulging in something a little healthier are Willow Tyneham and Cloverstardropper – marginally.

‘If I may I beg your indulgence, but I must stress that my partaking of a hotdog is purely for religious reasons.’

Religious?

‘I am a Discordian, and I must partake of a hotdog on a Friday in tribute to the Goddess Eris, who did partake of a hotdog after the Original Snub.’

Oh really, that is incredibly uninteresting, thank you for wasting 10 seconds of everyone’s life with that bloody facile anecdote.

So what about you Switch, are you a Discordian as well?

‘Am I Peggyhair! I’m eating a hot dog because I’m a greedy sod. The only supernatural entities I have faith in are Chuck Norris and Twallan. Anyone got a Sprite?’

So the second game began, with Blueeyed32 being first up to throw.

‘Ahem, can we just skip the bit about my first attempts?’

Yes, it was that bad!

Elysia was up next.

She screwed up the first one, but it was second time lucky with her next throw.

‘At which juncture, I would like to give my heartmostfelt commendations at her most splendid performance on the Gnubb field, but alas I must instead wish the f**ker was eaten by termites with halitosis.’

That’s the spirit! Sportsmanship to the uppermost.

Elysia completely screwed up her final throw, much to Rowan’s embarrassment.

That left Zeri clear to snatch back the initiative with the score only being at 0-1.

Only for the initiative to be not so much as pinched, never mind snatched.

Three throws, one fell short, one fell long, and one fell into a coma waiting to hit a single Gnubb all game.

Rowan fared no better. This was beginning to look like it was going to be a long game.

‘This is the point where our fortunes turn!’

Sure enough, Blueeyed32 took the score to 1-1.

‘This is the turnaround, Shay – we’ll have them licked before sunfall!’

‘Not good. Even if they don’t, by sunfall Zeri’s vampire abilities will kick in and we’ll get flattened! Better step up a gear here!’

Which is exactly what Elysia did, knocking down two to set Rowan up for a three throw finish.

A turn of events that was accepted with good grace by the Simpletons team!

However what followed was a series of blanks from both sides, so soon Zeri was left to worry whether they’d complete the game before dawn!

Or before everyone choked to death on Cloverstardropper’s cooking…

Or Shay drank the entire of the bar.

‘We wouldn’t mind, but her “one for the road,” has gone on to be “one for the kerb”, “one for the pavement”, and now she’s now up to “one for the roof and bathroom”. She’s having a night on the tiles! Innit marvellous?’

Back with the match, and Rowan managed to break the deadlock by knocking down two more to put the game at 5-2.

But then completely fluffed going for the king as she watched Shay down her 20th glass of the day, and began to worry what would happen when they told her there were no bathroom facilities available.

‘Bwahahahahha! She n00bed it instead of gnubbed it!’

That put Zeri (who swapped turns for some reason with Blueeyed32 after the latter tried to leave the match to grab a hotdog) in with a chance to bring the match level, and she got two pins. But that still left them hoping on Elysia fluffing her next three throws at the King.

‘Now would be a really good time for Florida1Cowboy to cook up another cunning plan to put her off!’

Unfortunately, he was cooking up something else entirely.

‘Arrrgh! We need his help, and like a typical bloody man he’s too busy tossing his sausage!’

So Elysia stepped up with three shots to win the second game.

But she only needed one.

By the way, are your dirty minds thinking the same about this picture? Thought so.

‘Did you think as well that the vampire trait would work the same as the Athletic trait in making Zeri better at Gnubb than the rest of us? She came on for the match when the sun was going down to lessen the chance of it affecting her play, but it appears that being a vampire makes you no better and no worse than anyone else. Come to that, the Athletic and Martial arts traits don’t appear to be that much of an advantage either, contrary to the game guides. Innit marvellous?’

Not that everyone was paying any attention at this point, Beth for instance was warning Willow that she’d heard that they’d better watch when they were heading for home later as she’d heard that the undead roamed around this part of the Sims world –which since Willow just happened to be one of those in question left her lost for a reply.

(Why else did you think she and her sisters are that colour? Did you think they were Berry Sweet Simmies?)

‘2-0 down, and now we’ve got to win the next game to stay in the match! Things surely can’t get any worse?’

‘Er, anyone care for one of Cloverstardropper’s carbon burgers?’

‘Scrub that last question!’

‘Look Florida1Cowboy, come up with something to get us back into the match next round, and we promise not to let Zeri tattoo Justin Bieber’s face on your bum cheeks the next time you’re drunk – deal?’

‘Wha – wait a minute? So you were the ones behind it last time?’

Can Simpletons win the third game and stay in the match? Report on the third game to follow soon!