Jazz-Hands

Lonely Island was created and owned by Rflong7/13, but was taken over by some undead Simmies for a bit of peace and quiet after involuntary resurrection from Ivy Hill Graveyard. It includes some others escaping from their own ‘life issues’, and is a sanctuary for the much maligned Butterfly of Doom and many other misunderstood species of Sims nature.

Today is Wednesday.

Yesterday was Tuesday.

And this is the date – March 28!

‘Do you know what is so special about today, readers? I bet Cloverstardrop knows!’

‘Bleh, wut? Special about today?’

‘Today is National “Sit On Your Fanny And Watch Every Single Episode Of Pinky And The Brain” Day? Cuz Switchy hath the snuffles and feels like derp.’

‘Er no, that’s not it, but perhaps Willow will know?’

‘It is the day that I will finally master the Gnossiennes! What did Satie mean when he wrote Du bout de la pensée and Postulez en vous même as the instructions on the sheet music as to time? Goats and monkeys, it doesn’t even have any bar!’

‘Considering Satie’s fondness for the other sort of bars, there’s irony for you! Haily, I’m counting on you girl to put everyone in the picture about why today is so special!’

‘Uh, pardon? Special about today?’

‘Ah, but of course, everyone knows that one – it’s the day my pot plants go for their black belts in Sim Fu. I’ve been training them for months now, and I think they’re most of them are about ready to step up to the final Dan.’

Eh, WTF?

‘And if they all pass, as a special treat Smedley Bracegirdle here will perform for them the entire of Shakespeare’s sonnets.’

Er, isn’t Haily overlooking the small snag in that he is dead, indeed not just dead but a skeleton?

‘Nynnnng….. dead? Dead? My dear mistaken popinjay, an actor and artiste of my calibre and talent dead? The absurdity of it! Tish and pish, I am not dead, I am merely resting, as all we great actors do between roles. Why, my performances in ‘Hamlet’ at the Lyceum, the Globe and the Connaught were declared only last month in The Stage to be the wonder and the triumph of the season!’

‘It’s true you know – no prizes for guessing though that he was playing Yorick! But since none of them appear to know, today Jazz-Hands went over the 10 000 hits mark for the first time!’

‘Granted in this day and age it’s not that big a deal, especially as it has taken us about a year and a half to reach it!’

‘But for a very part-time blog, you know, that’s not so bad! How many Sims 3 blogs are started and don’t even last an entire year?’

‘Including of course a certain bunch of bloggers and their three forums that had amongst them cretins threatening the Jazz-Hands blog with legal action at one stage! Where others fail, Jazz-Hands will prevail was the promise – and it was the promise that was kept. Innit marvellous?’

‘Wheeee! Didn’t expect that to happen! To go up that high I mean. I made them a while ago, using a formula made from Butterfly of Doom eggs and seagull guano.’

‘Bugger, just missed that seagull! Take that Jonathan Livingston, that’ll teach you for crapping on my washing and stealing my Doritos!’

‘HOORAY! BOOM BABY!’

‘Innit marvellous! Something I invented that actually worked! Mind you, let’s hope Rflong7/13 doesn’t get to hear about these, or everyone will start panicking we’re building a missile base here or something!’

‘Soooooo, the Jazz-Handers are producing and test-firing Weapons Of Mass Destruction? Maaaaaaaaaarey interesting!’

Oh horse off, you nag!

‘Oh, one final thing – many thanks to everyone that’s ever come here, plugged Jazz-Hands, downloaded from here or said thank you for whatever reason this place has given you something to smile about. Jazz-Hands is here to stay!’

‘The game will never be over, because we’re keeping the dream alive.’

Lonely Island was created and owned by Rflong7/13, but was taken over by some undead Simmies (Livormorts) for a bit of peace and quiet after involuntary resurrection from Ivy Hill Graveyard. It includes some others escaping from their own ‘life issues’, and is a sanctuary for the much maligned Butterfly of Doom and many other misunderstood species of Sims nature.

Friday and the day of the Tyneham’s concert came, and the residents of Lonely Island such as the Winterbottom family began heading over to the Jazz-Hands Gnubb Club basement.

‘Ah mum, do we have to go to this? I don’t wanna go to a stupid concert with the walking dead! It’ll be like visiting grandad and grandma’s!

‘Please Shrove, don’t go mentioning grannies within earshot of any of them – they might get upset!’

‘I’ll do it when those grey skinned creeps stop calling me “Pancake”!’

‘Shrove! That’s racist! ‘

‘It’s not racist Dad! Being undead doesn’t make you part of an ethnic group, not even in California!’

‘It will if Ken Livingstone is made Mayor Of London again. He’s made it a key manifesto committment.’

‘Urrrrgh!’

‘Shame on you Shrove Winterbottom. You know very well the zomb… uh, I mean livermort members of our community do not call you Pancake!’

‘Yes mum, sorry mum.’

‘It’s that ghastly little brat Switch who calls you that.’

‘Mummmm!’

Innit marvellous? Every time Jazz-Hands does anything, there’s one of the bloody mares doing a nosey.

‘Mareeeeey interesting!’

Oh, sod off!

Meanwhile, inside the Jazz-Hands Gnubb Club:

‘Ah, let’s see how they’re getting on – hope there’s room to squeeze inside!’

One person not inside at the concert is Haily, she’s found something far more entertaining!

‘Uh oh – caught!’

‘Oi, Haily, aren’t you supposed to be inside?’

‘Oh, I was just taking a little break, quick breath of air, enjoy a quick game of shuffleboard.’

‘What, with yourself?’

‘No, the fish send me telepathic waves when it’s their turn to play. I hoping this time I might win!’

‘Erm, right, of course they are!’

‘But anyway, I’ve been thinking.’

‘Please Haily, you know it scares me when you say that…’

‘We need to start a Tourist Office for Lonely Island. Write a tourist guide, guide books and the like. That’ll get them flocking here!’

‘Writing about what?’

‘Just think! Everything you ever wanted to know about the Butterfly Of Doom! The vintage wines of Lonely Island! The book of the home of Gnubb Club! Everything you ever wanted to know about livormortis reanimatology but were afraid to ask! The possibilities are endless.’

‘Yeah, great idea, Haily. Just one problem – there’s no one on this island with the talent to write out a shopping list, never mind a book, never mind book in the plural!’

‘Erm, I’m working on that part!’

‘Flipping loony! Let’s go and see how the Tynehams are doing before she suggests getting the fish to write them!’

‘I may be mad, but not that mad! I’d sooner play out here than suffer what they’re playing in there!’

Inside…

‘What the quacking cluck is this?’

Ooo blimey, looks like they’ve decided to hold a Frank Sidebottom tribute night!

‘Frank Sidebottom? FRANK SODDING SIDEBOTTOM?!?!?! Whose idea dare I ask was this?’

‘Do we take it you are displeased? My sisters and I were of the opinion that perhaps a more contemporary artiste would be more the mode to the gentlefolk of this isle than say, exempli gratia, Gilbert and Sullivan or the Thu’penny operas?’

‘You’d have been better off playing Shove Ha’penny, never mind Thu’penny operas, than this! What the blue blazes made you choose this offal, Willow?’

‘We went to get some contemporary music from the consignment shop, and Uncle Ghastly gave us a special deal for Frank Sidebottom’s collected works.’

‘Might have known that old crook had something to do with it – as per usual he saw you three coming! I’ll bet it was for a completely rip-off price.’

‘All he charged was §1.’

‘I rest my case!’

‘Elysia Knaith – really!’

‘Told you she wasn’t going to like it!’

Come back you coward and suffer like the rest of them!

‘Oh flapdoodle!

‘Pfft! At least you haven’t been roped into this like I have.’

‘Oh do be quiet, Switchy!’

‘I didn’t know you could play music, Switch – apart from the William Tell Overture on your teeth tips with the top of a Bic pen!’

‘Hecks no! I know only about four and a half chords, but Hazel said that’s double what’s required to play Frank Sidebottom songs, so they put me up here with this stoopid triangle guitar. I protested as a They Might Be Giants fan, playing with such a guitar symbolic of the evil Triangle Man is bordering on the satanic.

‘Oh Cloverstardrop! You’re such a capocchia! And it’s a balalaika! ‘

‘Bleh wot? I’ve already told you I don’t drink coffee, it makes me dizzy – and I prefer potato chips to biscuits!’

‘Goats and monkeys, when that giglet fell out the Philistine tree I declare she must have hit every branch on the way down!’

‘The whole point of this exercise was getting us mixing with the mortals, not making them want to evacuate the island no longer out of terror but out of good taste!’

‘Give it time – it’s early yet! They’ll soon be coming, there’s nothing quite like a good song to bring in the crowds!’

‘Yeah, and that’s nothing like a good song you’re playing! “Greengrocer On The Corner”? Who in their right mind is going to want to listen to rubbish like that?’

Erm, look behind you Elysia!

‘Oh, FRANK SIDEBOTTOM! How wonderful! I sooooooo loved his affectionate pastiche of genuine northern English working men’s club culture! And the sweet little girl’s even wearing a Timperley Big Shorts strip – how priceless!’

‘Indeed darling! I’ll just fetch us some Aarin’s Ruin cocktails from the bar, shall I? Let’s see if they can be persuaded to do ‘Guess Who’s Been On Match Of The Day’ and ‘I’m In Love With The Girl On The Manchester Megastore Checkout Desk’

‘I’ll “sweet little girl” you in a minute when I give you a triangle guitar enema, you hippiederps!’

‘Shush Switchy, they like us!’

‘Gordon Bennett! No way will we ever manage to get tourists to come here now! “Come to Lonely Island: full of Butterflies of Doom, Livormorts and Frank Sidebottom fans!” They’ll probably revoke our diplomatic status for this!

‘Hey, mind if I join in! This takes me back to my student days! We did him as part of our Media Studies course at the University of Bums On Seats. Let’s do “The Robbins Aren’t Bobbins” next!’

‘Face it, Elysia and Haily – you’re outvoted on this one! The people have spoken, and they’ve spoken frankly, tee-hee! ♪ Oh supermum, put me tea in the oven, ‘cos I’m going off to space! ♫

‘Indeed! Come on Elysia and Haily, let’s see your moves.’

‘Yeah, how about doing a raindance!’

‘Uh Cloverstardrop, would you agree a stately minuet would be preferable to a rain dance?’

‘I think Rowan, that Switch’s wish is in the hope that water will get into the electrics and fuse the floorshow!’

‘Just ignore her, Willow! Some girls wouldn’t know good music if it came up and bit them.’

‘Pfft! And you’re two of them!’

‘Oh well, suppose we ought to show these imbeciles how it’s done! Come on Elysia, let’s do some slam tea-dancing!’

‘Slam tea dancing? What’s that?’

‘It’s what happens when you’ve gatecrashed a Darby And Joan Club and put pot into the Earl Grey pot and crushed amphetamines into the icing for the fairy cakes.’

‘I had to ask!’

‘Well that’s my nose put out of joint! Asked my wife if she thought my hat made a fashionable statement, and all she could say was “Only if you’re intending to become a Beret Sweet Simmie’!

And so with that, the residents of Lonely Island danced merrily the night away.

You know they did, they really did!

Lonely Island was created and owned by Rflong7/13, but was taken over by some undead Simmies for a bit of peace and quiet after involuntary resurrection from Ivy Hill Graveyard. It includes some others escaping from their own ‘life issues’, and is a sanctuary for the much maligned Butterfly of Doom and many other misunderstood species of Sims nature.

Welcome to Tyneham Castle, the mist shrouded home of some of Elysia’s fellow livormorts; sisters Hazel, Rowan and Willow, who came from a time when every young lady of refinement was expected to demonstrate at social gatherings their élan before the grand piano, violin or flute.

Upon arrival, Elysia finds two of the sisters in the basement contemplating brushing up their skills in another field entirely.

‘At least they’re not glued in front of the telly playing Skyrim for once!’

‘I find myself altogether in some vexation that you should prove so dilatory. It betokens that you, my sister, daughter of a family who can trace noble lineage to 1066, harrow some pusillanimity to the venture!’

‘My dear Rowan, I fear that our long consignment to eternal rest has somewhat addled your reasoning. Almost a century has passed since either of us rode a horse. I shall countenance the saddle and stirrup only after the proper retraining and decline to be further inveigled in this manner!’

‘Don’t look at me, I didn’t understand a bloody word of it either!’

Luckily the youngest and most sensible of the Tyneham sisters, Hazel, was close at hand.

‘Should we have some of the Gralladina Fran Reserve at supper, the Cranerlet Nuala Oak Casked, or shall we try some of this Croisement Monastère Buckfast  kind Pollysim so graciously sent us in thanks for our hospitality at the last Gnubb match?’ 

Elysia explained Klammis Idchai’s idea to Hazel, who wasn’t too sure.

‘I would have to confer with Rowan and Willow as to whether they would be amiable to such a diversion, but I fear it has been some time since any of us have played an instrument, we have none of our old sheet music nor books, and ergo the sum of our labours may well prove a bumblebroth.’

‘Er, right, I see what you mean. Never mind, just thought I’d ask. Better get back and let the Idchais know.’

‘Oh no, please, my intent was not to congé! I shall make the effort – the three of us shall – to give a performance worthy of the Tyneham name. Shall we say, this Friday evening, dress informal?’

‘Ur, sure! That quick? If you can pull it off that would be brilliant! I’ll make sure everything’s ready for you in the basement of the Gnubb Club.’

‘Is there any particular repertoire that would find ourselves in accord with the gathered?’

‘Nah, we’ll leave it up to you three what you decide to play – you’re the musical experts around here.’

‘Let it be so – it is settled! Now, dear Elysia, it is most apropos that you should choose to call, for there is a delicate matter of our own we wish your advice on.’

‘It would be a pleasure!’

‘Gordon Bennett, not bloody Skyrim again!’

‘Oh we just knew you’d be delighted to help! Now, we’re at the Thalmor Embassy party, and we need to slip away into the building without being detected, but we are all at sea as to how this is to be accomplished with guests and guards at every juncture.’

‘Tsch, that one’s easy! You need to talk with Jarl Igroad Ravencrone.’

‘Goats and monkeys! That Dowager of Loch Ness?’

‘You’ve gotta ask the old prune to cause a scene to distract everyone’s attention, so you can slip through the back into the kitchen unnoticed.’

‘Oh, but of course! She will aid now I am her Thane. I hope her ruse proves to be original and amusing.’

‘Oh, I’ve never saw this happen in the game before!’

‘Rowan, is she supposed to be doing that with the empty Skooma bottle?’

‘I don’t think so Hazel, It looks frightfully painful, not to mention unhygienic!’

‘Er, Rowan, did Cloverstardropper call last night saying she had this great mod Haily had made for Skyrim that would make it run ten times better and you trusted her to install it?’

‘As a matter of fact, Elysia, yes she did! Do you believe there is a correlation?’

‘Are you usually this slow in the uptake?’

Part 3 To Follow

Lonely Island was created and owned by Rflong7/13, but was taken over by some undead Simmies for a bit of peace and quiet after involuntary resurrection from Ivy Hill Graveyard. It includes some others escaping from their own ‘life issues’, and is a sanctuary for the much maligned Butterfly of Doom and many other misunderstood species of Sims nature.

On a Sunday morning, the residents of Lonely Island can be found like all civilised Simmies partaking in quiet reflection upon whatever scriptures they may follow for their spiritual health before the traditional hearty Sunday lunch.

Which if you’re Haily Farber, means having a pillow fight in the middle of Lonely Island’s graveyard with Elysia Knaith to amuse all the non-resurrected.

‘Okay Haily, you win again, I’m out of puff! Oh, come to think of it I’m out of groceries as well, I’ll need to nip over to the shop before the other locals come out from church, you know how weird they act whenever any of us livormorts are about!’

‘Hahaha, okay. I’ll need to get the place tidied up first as I’m playing Dungeons And Dungeons this afternoon. Are you, the Tyneham sisters and the others still finding the rest of them unfriendly?’

‘As much as always. Still acting like we’re going to eat their brains or their grannies – innit marvellous! Until we’re all self sufficient though, we’ll just have to put up with it!’

‘Yeah, but you shouldn’t have to. If it wasn’t for you and the others they wouldn’t have this nice peaceful island unspoiled by the rat race they wanted to escape from in the first place.‘

‘Suppose so. Anyway, catch you later.’

‘ ‘Ang on a minute, did she say Dungeons and Dungeons ?’

The main shop on Lonely Island is the Ye Olde Lonely Island Shoppe, which sells just about everything, and on occasion this includes things people want.

As one of the central hubs of the island community, it is a frequent place for the island’s Sims, both normal and Livormort communities, to interact, except that interaction only appears to stretch as far as saying ‘That will be §559, please.’

Bit like EA with their customers, come to think of it.

Interaction beyond that, except for a few honourable cases, is somewhere between non-existent and the realms of science fiction.

Exempli gratia. ‘Est non is mire!’

‘Er, can I – um – be of any assistance, possibly?’

He with the hat is Leopoldo Coker, the book merchant.

‘Oh I don’t wanna be accused of being a queue jumper mate: the young gentleman with the ten gallon hat on a two pint head was first. He’d like to choose which from your extensive selection of premier windows he will be going through at high speed!’

‘Oh, erm, ahahaha, I do beg your pardon, unfortunately I’m afraid some of the younger members of the island community are finding it rather hard to adjust to their new life on the island. It is after all a very different experience from what they’re used to on the mainland, the big city life with showbiz celebrities around.’

‘They’re finding it hard to adjust? He ought to try the experience I’ve been adjusting from sometime, sooner rather than later if he keeps that bleeding attitude up! Bad as his bloody neo-hippy parents.’

‘Um, er, it’s nothing personal, nothing against the, erm, undead members of our community, it’s more a case of finding it all too quiet and too few people of his own age on the island. Young Whitsun Winterbottom and his sister Shrove aren’t sharing their parents enthusiasm for a more eco-conscious existence out here.’

‘Typical kids, always bloody moaning that they’re bored and there’s nothing to do!’

‘If you ask me, it needs to be shown that anything they can do on the mainland we can do as well. We’ve got an indoor pool, games room and concert room beneath the Grubb Club, let’s bring a few acts over to do a night!’

‘In that case, you ought to see the Idchai’s over on the side of the island near to Cloverstardrop Keep. They worked in the entertainment’s business until last summer. Maybe they can use their contacts to help?’

‘Wha… you sure? You ain’t having a laugh, are you?’

‘Why do you think they’re out here? Tax exiles!’

‘Right, that settles it, best see if I can get some show on the road then – or rather the boat! But first, a pound of spuds and cheese, two dozen eggs and a packet of Figwit Flame & Life Fruit Fraiche please?’

Heading past Cloverstardrop Keep, Elysia was in luck as M’boza and Klammis Idchai were at home.

‘A concert? Why, that’s a great idea! Not so sure you could get any celebrities to come over though.’

‘Oh, that was kinda what we were hoping. I know you’ve quit showbiz, but we were all hoping, perhaps…’

‘I could pull a few strings? Call in a favour from some past client for old times’ sake?’

‘Erm, something like that. I know it’s asking a lot, but it would mean a great deal to the people here.’

‘I think you need to speak to my wife. I dealt more with the promoting and tour organising side of our business, she was the one on first name terms with the stars.’

Inside the Idchai’s home, Klammis listened to Elysia’s request, but poured cold water on it.

‘I know you mean well, but trying to get anyone to come out here with the Butterflies of Doom around is next to impossible. At least, that’s the excuse they’ll use. Or they’ll ask for a ridiculous fee on the excuse it’s not good for their career playing the back of beyond that’s more than everyone here put together could afford.’

‘We could sell tickets for entry, that would recoup some of the cost. There’s sure to be people coming over from the mainland wanting to see it. You know the sort: they’ll spend happily thousands of Simoleons if they hear their idols are playing a secret gig in some tiny club just to say they were there.’

‘You’d still be looking at §1000 a ticket to break even. There may be Simmies on the mainland with that kinda money to burn, but on Lonely Island? If the concert’s meant to bring everyone together, kinda pointless if they’re the very ones left out, hon!’

‘Mmmm, suppose so. Innit marvellous!’

‘If you want my advice, you’re looking at this the wrong way. Don’t help emphasise how good it is off the island, you’ve gotta show ’em how good it is on – showcase the talent that’s here. So what if they’re not platinum disc stadium sellouts? I’ll bet if you ask around you’ll find every bit as good musicians as the overpaid bums my M’boza and I dealt with down the years, and with a fraction of the egos! ‘

‘You know what, Klammis? You’re right! In fact, I know just the Simmies we need…’

Part 2 To Follow