The Lonely Island Chronicles: Episode 2 – ‘Yes, It’s A Giant Shark That’s Destroyed Your Roof, But Is It Art?’

Elysia’s got a little concerned with the Lonely Islanders spending so much time playing a certain computer game all the time, so she’s taking them to Sunset Valley for a bit of cultural enlightenment.

‘Hope there’s a creche there I can put Haily and Switch in!’

‘I heard that derpage, bumface!’

‘You too? I thought it was just me.’

‘Elysia’s only in the front seat, who else did you think it was?’

‘Elysia, Switch? I was talking about Molag Bal – he’s just told me again he’s displeased with me for failing so far to lure Grant Rodiek to his black leather altar in Markarth where I am to beat him with his mace after it is first dipped in the sacred Elsweyr Fondue.’

‘Erm, Haily, have you been downloading mods from that site inhabited by 30 year old basement dwellers obsessed with breast slider for Skyrim again?’

‘Innit marvellous? This is why I’ve taken you away from your computers and consoles. You shower have been spending so long on that game I felt I had to do something to get you back to reality!’

‘Why can’t I stay in the hotel so I canz do Dragon Eggs for my besties on Dragon Cave! Me is normal and schizes and don’t need computer break!’

‘Oh stop whining and drink your Sprite – you’ll feel better after that.’

‘You’ve laced it with Ritalin again, haven’t you?’

‘Indeed I have not!’

‘Nucking Futs. At least then I’d have had some fun from the experience.’

‘What about some Skooma?’

‘Oh shut up, Haily! Anyway, I laced it with Absinthe this time, they wouldn’t give me another prescription for Ritalin.’

Down at the nearby beach.

‘Slow down Willow! You’ve still not explained to me why you are so keen for us to come to this beach instead of the main one?’

‘According to the Sunset Valley Tourism news brochure, Hazel, there is a new art installation which they have been unable to find room for in the gallery. We shall familiarise ourselves with it, since the kind gentleman at the tourist information bureau gave unto all of us these T-shirts.’

‘Would this be the same kind gentleman you spent a good hour batting your eyelids at and laughing at all his jokes even though they were about as funny as Michael McIntyre?’

‘It is a most scurrilous assertion you make, Elysia! Who’s Michael McIntyre anyway?’

‘What you get when you crossbreed Mike Myers with Michael Portillo.’

‘Gordon Bennett! THIS is what you’ve taken us to see?’

‘Someone’s going to be suing the producers of Deadliest Catch for this!’

‘They must have run out of weathercocks down at B&Q and the Home Depot.’

‘Some people have gnomes. Some people have rockeries. Some people have ornamental ponds with fish to keep next door neighbour’s cat entertained. Some people have a Great White sticking out of their roof.’

‘Is this what I think it is?’

‘Elysia, I think you put too much of whatever that stuff was you said it was into my Sprite.’

‘Oh, I know what you both mean!’

‘You do, Haily?’

‘Yes, it’s a giant shark that’s destroyed a roof, but is it Art?’

‘It’s more like a bugger of an insurance claim if you ask me!’

‘Well I like it! I think it makes a real statement about alienation from one’s environment and the insecurity the modern world places on the individual, where all we cherish and love can be thrown into turmoil in the most unexpected manner in an instant. I think we can all relate to that.’

‘I think it makes a statement that there’s some people in the world with more money than sense.’

‘Oh stick to Dragon’s eggs, Cloverstardrop! You have no eye for art!’

‘Huh! YOU have Stevie Wonder’s eyes for art! If you sat an Art exam, you’d get an F, which would be rather appropriate since your taste is like recycled baked beans!’

Now now, Switch, bitch nicely!

‘Hasn’t this been done before anyway? Wasn’t there someone that had a home where the buffaloes roam?’

‘Only in a song, Haily?’

‘Thank goodness for that. I wouldn’t have fancied vacuuming that living room.’

‘Call this an art gallery? Flapdoodle!’

The readers don’t wish to know if you got a tattoo in a personal place, Rowan, if you don’t mind.

‘Oh, do shut up! There isn’t even a tea room where one can peruse – perchance to purchase – some mementos to remind oneself of the cultural expedition undertaken with friends and family, before retiring to the verandah to enjoy a traditional Strawberry Tea with a pot of Earl Gray and freshly baked home made scones with clotted cream and jam.’

You mean overpriced plastic tat, postcards and guidebooks sold at a billion percent mark-up on the cost to produce them that will be shoved in a drawer and never looked upon again the moment you get home, before drinking dishwasher weak tea and last week’s supermarket scones microwaved to soften them neither of which you’ll get much time to sample as you’ll spend most of the time fighting off a hundred wasps?

‘Hummph! Philistine! It is a fine and noble British tradition, and one our American and Australian cousins as well as the rest of the former colonies and the more cultured of the Europeans delight themselves in partaking every summer.’

So Elysia’s not the only one putting Absinthe in people’s Sprites then?

‘Er, I think they’ve got Skyrim in the computers down at the local library. Jazz hands if you want to go back and do that instead?’

‘Jazz hands!’

Looks like the culture vultures are going home to roost!