The Lonely Island Chronicles: Episode 5 – ‘Ooh Blimey!’ (Part 3)

Lonely Island was created and owned by Rflong7/13, but was taken over by some undead Simmies (Livormorts) for a bit of peace and quiet after involuntary resurrection from Ivy Hill Graveyard. It includes some others escaping from their own ‘life issues’, and is a sanctuary for the much maligned Butterfly of Doom and many other misunderstood species of Sims nature.

Friday and the day of the Tyneham’s concert came, and the residents of Lonely Island such as the Winterbottom family began heading over to the Jazz-Hands Gnubb Club basement.

‘Ah mum, do we have to go to this? I don’t wanna go to a stupid concert with the walking dead! It’ll be like visiting grandad and grandma’s!

‘Please Shrove, don’t go mentioning grannies within earshot of any of them – they might get upset!’

‘I’ll do it when those grey skinned creeps stop calling me “Pancake”!’

‘Shrove! That’s racist! ‘

‘It’s not racist Dad! Being undead doesn’t make you part of an ethnic group, not even in California!’

‘It will if Ken Livingstone is made Mayor Of London again. He’s made it a key manifesto committment.’

‘Urrrrgh!’

‘Shame on you Shrove Winterbottom. You know very well the zomb… uh, I mean livermort members of our community do not call you Pancake!’

‘Yes mum, sorry mum.’

‘It’s that ghastly little brat Switch who calls you that.’

‘Mummmm!’

Innit marvellous? Every time Jazz-Hands does anything, there’s one of the bloody mares doing a nosey.

‘Mareeeeey interesting!’

Oh, sod off!

Meanwhile, inside the Jazz-Hands Gnubb Club:

‘Ah, let’s see how they’re getting on – hope there’s room to squeeze inside!’

One person not inside at the concert is Haily, she’s found something far more entertaining!

‘Uh oh – caught!’

‘Oi, Haily, aren’t you supposed to be inside?’

‘Oh, I was just taking a little break, quick breath of air, enjoy a quick game of shuffleboard.’

‘What, with yourself?’

‘No, the fish send me telepathic waves when it’s their turn to play. I hoping this time I might win!’

‘Erm, right, of course they are!’

‘But anyway, I’ve been thinking.’

‘Please Haily, you know it scares me when you say that…’

‘We need to start a Tourist Office for Lonely Island. Write a tourist guide, guide books and the like. That’ll get them flocking here!’

‘Writing about what?’

‘Just think! Everything you ever wanted to know about the Butterfly Of Doom! The vintage wines of Lonely Island! The book of the home of Gnubb Club! Everything you ever wanted to know about livormortis reanimatology but were afraid to ask! The possibilities are endless.’

‘Yeah, great idea, Haily. Just one problem – there’s no one on this island with the talent to write out a shopping list, never mind a book, never mind book in the plural!’

‘Erm, I’m working on that part!’

‘Flipping loony! Let’s go and see how the Tynehams are doing before she suggests getting the fish to write them!’

‘I may be mad, but not that mad! I’d sooner play out here than suffer what they’re playing in there!’

Inside…

‘What the quacking cluck is this?’

Ooo blimey, looks like they’ve decided to hold a Frank Sidebottom tribute night!

‘Frank Sidebottom? FRANK SODDING SIDEBOTTOM?!?!?! Whose idea dare I ask was this?’

‘Do we take it you are displeased? My sisters and I were of the opinion that perhaps a more contemporary artiste would be more the mode to the gentlefolk of this isle than say, exempli gratia, Gilbert and Sullivan or the Thu’penny operas?’

‘You’d have been better off playing Shove Ha’penny, never mind Thu’penny operas, than this! What the blue blazes made you choose this offal, Willow?’

‘We went to get some contemporary music from the consignment shop, and Uncle Ghastly gave us a special deal for Frank Sidebottom’s collected works.’

‘Might have known that old crook had something to do with it – as per usual he saw you three coming! I’ll bet it was for a completely rip-off price.’

‘All he charged was §1.’

‘I rest my case!’

‘Elysia Knaith – really!’

‘Told you she wasn’t going to like it!’

Come back you coward and suffer like the rest of them!

‘Oh flapdoodle!

‘Pfft! At least you haven’t been roped into this like I have.’

‘Oh do be quiet, Switchy!’

‘I didn’t know you could play music, Switch – apart from the William Tell Overture on your teeth tips with the top of a Bic pen!’

‘Hecks no! I know only about four and a half chords, but Hazel said that’s double what’s required to play Frank Sidebottom songs, so they put me up here with this stoopid triangle guitar. I protested as a They Might Be Giants fan, playing with such a guitar symbolic of the evil Triangle Man is bordering on the satanic.

‘Oh Cloverstardrop! You’re such a capocchia! And it’s a balalaika! ‘

‘Bleh wot? I’ve already told you I don’t drink coffee, it makes me dizzy – and I prefer potato chips to biscuits!’

‘Goats and monkeys, when that giglet fell out the Philistine tree I declare she must have hit every branch on the way down!’

‘The whole point of this exercise was getting us mixing with the mortals, not making them want to evacuate the island no longer out of terror but out of good taste!’

‘Give it time – it’s early yet! They’ll soon be coming, there’s nothing quite like a good song to bring in the crowds!’

‘Yeah, and that’s nothing like a good song you’re playing! “Greengrocer On The Corner”? Who in their right mind is going to want to listen to rubbish like that?’

Erm, look behind you Elysia!

‘Oh, FRANK SIDEBOTTOM! How wonderful! I sooooooo loved his affectionate pastiche of genuine northern English working men’s club culture! And the sweet little girl’s even wearing a Timperley Big Shorts strip – how priceless!’

‘Indeed darling! I’ll just fetch us some Aarin’s Ruin cocktails from the bar, shall I? Let’s see if they can be persuaded to do ‘Guess Who’s Been On Match Of The Day’ and ‘I’m In Love With The Girl On The Manchester Megastore Checkout Desk’

‘I’ll “sweet little girl” you in a minute when I give you a triangle guitar enema, you hippiederps!’

‘Shush Switchy, they like us!’

‘Gordon Bennett! No way will we ever manage to get tourists to come here now! “Come to Lonely Island: full of Butterflies of Doom, Livormorts and Frank Sidebottom fans!” They’ll probably revoke our diplomatic status for this!

‘Hey, mind if I join in! This takes me back to my student days! We did him as part of our Media Studies course at the University of Bums On Seats. Let’s do “The Robbins Aren’t Bobbins” next!’

‘Face it, Elysia and Haily – you’re outvoted on this one! The people have spoken, and they’ve spoken frankly, tee-hee! ♪ Oh supermum, put me tea in the oven, ‘cos I’m going off to space! ♫

‘Indeed! Come on Elysia and Haily, let’s see your moves.’

‘Yeah, how about doing a raindance!’

‘Uh Cloverstardrop, would you agree a stately minuet would be preferable to a rain dance?’

‘I think Rowan, that Switch’s wish is in the hope that water will get into the electrics and fuse the floorshow!’

‘Just ignore her, Willow! Some girls wouldn’t know good music if it came up and bit them.’

‘Pfft! And you’re two of them!’

‘Oh well, suppose we ought to show these imbeciles how it’s done! Come on Elysia, let’s do some slam tea-dancing!’

‘Slam tea dancing? What’s that?’

‘It’s what happens when you’ve gatecrashed a Darby And Joan Club and put pot into the Earl Grey pot and crushed amphetamines into the icing for the fairy cakes.’

‘I had to ask!’

‘Well that’s my nose put out of joint! Asked my wife if she thought my hat made a fashionable statement, and all she could say was “Only if you’re intending to become a Beret Sweet Simmie’!

And so with that, the residents of Lonely Island danced merrily the night away.

You know they did, they really did!