Jazz-Hands

Episode 10 – The Oarfish

In New Leaf the contribution of the other villagers in building projects was next to non-existent.

In New Horizons, villagers are not so parasitical on your efforts.

Or at least these two aren’t.

It makes up for the rotten recipes which comes from the message-in-a-bottles.

Having paid off my home, Tommy Shop couldn’t wait to get me into fresh debt, and since I’m trying to look cooperative while finding a way to escape, I sighed and signed up.

Besides, I have a plan.

The Nooks are so happy with my slaving for them for materials for the shop, they gave me a reward.

Look everyone, look! What an amazing shitty sweater!

The new room organisation tools are excellent.

No more need to push and shove about for ages – it’s even better than moving around furniture in Sims 3.

Best go in and see what Blathers wants me to do while he’s on the island.

Should have known.

But it has gained me two invaluable recipes for tools. Finally, I can cross the rivers, and can get a tougher shovel.

Crossing over at the most north east point, I wanted to look around for that floating ghost or whatever it was, or find something which told me something about it. As well as exploring the other two thirds of the island.

But I was distracted by a shape in the water over by the rocks.

I decided to take it out.

It was very lucky I did.

The oarfish is worth nine thousand Bells.

But this one is going to the museum. It could be forever before I see another.

To the north, I can see other lands. Are any of them visitable by the plane or other means?

Episode 9 – Master Bait

Have finally discovered the cause of those tiny spurts of water coming up through the sand.

That was my first great idea.

The second was even better.

If there’s one way to get on the right side of a Nook, show them your clam.

Only a coincidence Tommy Boy’s thoughts immediately turned to DIY and what he could do it he had plenty of wood.

Perhaps that’s why he attempted to stimulate my clematis.

No thank you Tommy, it’s time for me to go down to the beach and master bait.

There’s no point in simply tossing into the sea indiscriminately, otherwise you can spend all night tugging away on your pole at the slightest twinge of interest, and no matter how iron you give your flimsy rod you’ll still end up pulling nothing more than a tiddler.

A little ironic under the circumstances, but all I ended up catching was crabs.

Oh goodie. You’re bringing that old weirdo over who liked going on about his mother’s crabs?

Sure. Stick a broom up my arse next time I come in here and I’ll even sweep the floor every time I fart.

May as well get it over with.

Goll as gaccan, yes.

Dear wishing star, please don’t let Blathers be a creepy old tweedy pervert like last time.

Okay, I’ll settle for not as much a one.

Episode 8 – Flight Of The Dodos

‘When you wish upon a star … ‘

There’s one wish I have, and that’s an end to all the wasps.

To get the extra branches to replace the broken flimsy tools, I have to shake the trees.

There are never enough windfall branches, and with Renée and Lyman also gathering them to replace their own tools, it’s the only way to keep the momentum.

The danger is dropping at least two wasp nests during my tree shakedowns.

Unless I manage to run indoors quick enough, they get me every time. Every attempt to get them with the net failed. Wasps are evil nazi scum.

The final straw was the tarantula was wandering nearby during one attack.

The moment the wasps had finished stinging me, it gave the coup de grace (as I was holding the net) – right after I’d wasted a medicine (Renée gave me the recipe) to stop myself passing out and being sent back to base.

If they’re going to tag team, time to get rough.

Note of future plan – all non-fruit producing trees to be cut down and replaced with fruit ones. Wasps nests never fall from fruit trees bearing fruit.

I’m on the property ladder again. I’m in the debt cycle again.

I need a break.

I need my head examined.

Not as much as Orville of Dodo Airlines – who forgets what he told you a second earlier.

A Mystery Tour. Isn’t being stuck on one uncharted island enough?

Sounds legit.

Why do I get the feeling this Wilbur takes passengers to islands without their owner’s permission to do the seaplane equivalent of a viking raid?

Ten seconds later …

I am getting really pissed off with those little skeets.

You, meanwhile, need sectioned.

Later it struck me.

This dude’s changing his call sign’s continuously over the same flight!

Is this all some sort of hard drugs courier operation masquerading as a short haul flight operator between inhospitable islands?

Back on Dalby, the Nooks got me roped into their scheme to build a proper shop instead of Timmy’s jumped up street trader operation good only for selling.

The old routines still work – dig a hole behind and to either side of the rock you want to strike with your spade, push forward towards the rock and hit seven times.

This way you get the maximum amount of materials without losing any from delaying rock strikes.

Even a millisecond’s pause between blows is the difference between another piece of material and no more from it until reset time (sometime very, very early in the morning when you should be sleeping – unless your name is Switch/Cloverstardropper).

I’m not going to even bother trying going for that little skeet. Not with the luck I’ve had today.

Least one thing has gone right.

Ah, smug mode.

Episode 7 – An End To The Discount Tent

One of the days you knew the Nintendo Joke Department were having an off day, or perhaps it loses something from translation from the Japanese.

It’s better than the following though.

This game is aimed at eight year olds and over, doesn’t stop double entendres like that one slipping into the script. Imagine if there was astronomy or astrology in the game, there’d be endless jokes about Uranus.

But give me a large tree nymph over a tiny chub any time.

Will give Tommy his dues – his eyes may creepily follow you as you pass by, but he gives good advice.

Hitting rocks with a shovel was an option in New Leaf to earn money, but this appears more practical.

Wish I’d known about hitting the trees with an axe gives you wood instead of chopping them completely down like last time.

Hopefully it leads to tools which last longer.

The flimsy range of tools last longer than you think, but still not very long – and you need five branches to make a replacement.

If you want to make sure you don’t miss out on a large fish shadow appearing in the water right after getting one worth little Bells, having two fishing rods is a must, even if it takes up room.

Chief Shyster Tom Nook has promised shooting stars – let’s see if wishes mean mysterious gifts in the post like last time.

No sooner had I paid off my debts to the oily little bumbag, he was already discussing ways of getting me into new debt, and announcing his online shop for his now surplus to debt requirements Nook Miles scheme.

Yes, Tom Nook has got himself an online Tommy Shop.

Ten minutes later …

It was starting to look like one of those days.

The others were also beginning to realise they were being forced into a cycle of endless foraging to pay off the massive debts they owed the Nooks. It’s all starting to resemble less The Lotus Eaters and more The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists.

On the other hand, a house means space to store goods such as wood and stone and other materials which could be used to escape this open prison labour camp.

Time to swallow pride.

Lucky there’s been lots of these little fellows around.

If you see one, you will find two or three more soon after – easy way to make a lot of money for little effort.

Um, if you find you’re lacking in action when in bed at night, don’t start looking in my direction to remedy it.

Typical rhinos – always horny.

But who is this strange fellow?

I need to get across to the other side to find out.

But there’s no bridges. I need to discover another way.

Episode 6 – Weeding Out The Good From The Bad

Back in with the Nooks.

The selection of goods from Timmy is pathetic and not worth bothering about.

The junk in the recycling box to the left of the shot is worse. It may pick up later, though.

Of more use is the online terminal – get into the habit of accessing it at least once a day for the free Nook Miles.

Moreover, get into the habit of banking your money beyond what you need to avoid any spilling over into moneybags in your inventory later (learned the hard way in New Leaf! ). You don’t get that many slots as it is.

The online Nook Shopping is a little better in terms of variety, but it is still basic tat.

At this stage I don’t really need anything from it until I’ve got the house space to justify it.

Bet Rflong7/13 will be pleased to know there’s lawn flamingos available.

Regarding the sale of goods to Timmy to make money, the Bells offered doesn’t always make sense in terms of what’s caught – or the effort to get it.

It would be more realistic if Timmy did say this, instead of …

A grand for one of the easiest catches of the game (they run around slowly on the beach until you catch them with the net or die of old age waiting for you to do so) – you can get about eight most days without trying.

The puns for each fish or insect catch haven’t got any better since last time you’ll notice.

Would have been nice if coming up with bright ideas didn’t make me look like I was high.

It’s especially an issue when I’m gathering so much weed it’s a wonder this game hasn’t got its players subject to police raids.

Don’t sell all of it. Put some in storage for crafting purposes later.

Never sell raw weed. As you can see, you are lucky to get eight Bells for it.

Craft it into umbrellas, and you are getting twenty Bells for each weed.

Episode 5 – Bastard Spider

There’s lots of mysteries to this place. Like these glowing spots in the ground.

The logic would be to dig them up, except I’ve no recipe (so weird calling it that) for making spades.

Was going to say ‘shovel’, but I prefer to call a spade a spade.

Another mystery is this whole Nook Miles Programme.

Convoluted and confusing, you get the impression these Nook Miles are earned almost at random.

What are these key words about, for instance? There appears no explanation.

It’s easy to understand you can trade them in for goods. The earning of them is another matter.

Easier to understand are the balloon gifts.

Until I can get a catapult, I’m not getting them.

Instead I get recipes for piles of crap like this.

But the biggest problem right now is an old enemy from New Leaf days.

That bloody tarantula spider.

Get bitten, so back outside the tent, take a few steps east …

 … little bastard was waiting on me!

Got attacked before I could take any avoiding action, never mind use the net.

Back out AGAIN …

Attacked in under a minute – AGAIN!

That’s three times in under three minutes.

Yeah, relearning the hard way not to run around with the insect net in my hands all the time because tarantulas will always go into battle mode if you do that, but three times in three minutes? What’s the odds on that?

Unless of course the odds have been vastly lowered in this version of Animal Crossing – so be warned!

For now, I’ll stick to hermit crabs – but as Plumbob is my witness I’m gonna nail that muthafunking tarantula with a Brazilian Wandering Spider’s attitude if it is the last thing I do!

Yeah but payment for weed is trash. I’ll show you a better way to make money off them in a moment.

Of more interest is Timmy’s tip about eating before smashing rocks or digging up trees – if only I had the right tool.

Or at least the recipe to make a spade.

Some items are worth acquiring for selling. Oranges – one thousand bells for ten, and all you need do is shake the trees when they appear. No risks, no tools.

Less worth it are insects where you know the value before you catch it doesn’t justify the usage of the net.

You don’t get a lot of catches with the flimsy net (or the flimsy rod). There is no guarantee there will be enough branches lying around to make new ones when they break, so once you know which ones don’t make money, leave them alone.

It’s a little trickier with fish, but in general small shadow means poor return.

Episode 4 – Something Fishy

Time to see those rat bastards.

If I’ve to earn my way out of here, I need tools.

Shades of Skyrim and Minecraft – although the actual production has more in common with Sims 3.

The recipes are piss easy to use. Click, click, click, and you’re in bang bang bang mode, like repairing and upgrading in Sims 3.

‘I’ve made a flimsy fishing rod, which looks remarkably like a tool box!’

You notice all the Apps that are put on your phone only appear to directly correlate to some material benefit to Tom Nook?

Bet he coded for Apple.

Colour me cynical for imagining that ‘little while’ means five minutes if lucky.

I decided to make a few more items for practice before heading out.

Good to see the graphics and animation team really pushed the boat out here to earn all those £50 for children’s pocket money across the globe (and there goes the fourth wall!)

That last one was a little too ridiculous – sorry!

Took a few goes to get back into the swing of fishing  – it has been six years! –  but good to see my old tactic still works.

If you find fishing frustrating, there is a simple way to land a catch every time.

Once sure the fish is going for the float, look away from the screen and rely on sound only for timing when to press the button and reel that baby in.

Watching the screen makes for trigger happy pressing when you see the float being bumped, losing the fish.

Timing by sound only, the greater disparity between the high pitched float bump plip compared to the pulled underwater gloop is much easier to judge by.

Lyman the Snot Koala seems okay. At least friendly.

Have serious doubts about Renée.

That look of death she gives when saying she was expecting to be the only one on this island makes me think their saifuku tops aren’t coincidence and any day now we’ll be straight into Battle Royale mode.

Episode 3 – Entangled … or ‘You catch your breath as the Nooks present you with the bill!’

Drink the orange juice. Suppose it could be worse.

In childhood, you learn quick people encouraging you to nap straight after drinking something seldom have your best interest at heart.

This is what Santa Claus and presents are all about, conditioning at an early age that naptime is rewarding, rather than so your parents can get drunk at a Tapas bar in Portugal and leave you unsupervised, some surgeon can pull out your tonsils and appendix which they’re only half qualified to do.

Or some muthafunking raccoon’s can Mickey Finn you to some weed strewn piece of real estate with a pink rhino and the Mucus Koala.

Ah great, whatever the Nooks slipped into that orange juice is making me dream about Ed Sheeran. Piss off Ed Sheeran.

When I wake I’ll be in sync with real time? Told you I’d been drugged.

You just happened to be waiting outside the tent for me to come to?

Rat faced racoon bastard. You’ll get your cumuppance before all this is over.

So NookPhones are part of Vodafone? Useful to get that learned.

Wait? What? I get taken against my will and dumped in some hellhole with no means of escape, and you’re charging me 49,800 Bells for the privilege, you bellend?

Who do you think you are, Thomas Cook?

Did you think I wouldn’t twig the abbreviation is the same as Not My Problem?

So the bottom line is … this is a truck payment system where payment and the valuation of my actions is down to your whim and not related to the marketplace.

Knew this was a Disneyfied slave labour camp.

But as with all inductions and hostage situations, the best idea is to smile, be cooperative, and all the while, plan, plan, plan one’s escape.

I’ll get you, Tom Nook, if it’s the last thing I do!

Episode 2 – Now Is The Winter Of Our Discount Tents, Made Glorious Summer By This Raccoon Of Nook

Remember that bit yesterday about delegation?

Here’s another worked example.

Have a guess who will end up gathering all the firewood and the Perhaps Little Snack?

It won’t be Del Boy Nooky, that’s for certain.

The only time he gets his hands dirty is if the toilet paper splits when wiping his arse.

Yes, it’s an orange. Well spotted Miss Marple.

Yeah, a right one alright!

Fade to black as I shove that orange so far up his fundament his farts will give everyone breathing them 100% RDA of Vitamin C for the next twenty four hours.

A few hours of improvised applied proctology by his two mini-mes later:

What? You had trouble selling this weed strewn heap to those you hadn’t drugged and press-ganged?

Nooktopia it is then?

Is it just me, or does Buffburg sound more a part of some urban metropolis which City Hall has rezoned to be its new gay village?

Wait, what?

Oh, I get it. After the neafarious Nook getting a citrus buttplug, the rest have decided to humour me.

Unless, of course, they all knew this one was coming up.

I’ll leave you to guess what happened next …

Episode 1 – New Horizons, Same Old Arseturnips

Uhhhh … what?

Last I remember was boarding the train out of that mad house when no one was watching. Escape at last.

There was a comfortable seat, the first class carriage to myself, and complimentary champagne courtesy of Nookling Rail.

Yeah, I know, should have smelled a rat at once.

The only way to get a free drink out of a Nook is shove your fingers down their throat.

Now I find I’m being press-ganged into another of these yahoos’ money making schemes.

Last time it was running a town containing every textbook example of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

I’m not getting my hopes up this will be any better.

Pick the island pattern with the triskelion river. Has to be done. A sign of hope.

See that bit earlier about not getting my hopes up this will be any better?

But I’m committed – in much the same way this lot should be committed.

Thank you Captain Obvious.

In other words, here’s the part where we discover how screwed I really am.

Jawohl, meinen Obersturmbannführer.

Orientation sessions wherever you go are always the part where the penny drops ‘this wasn’t in the brochure’.

From universities to places of employment to the holiday resort which turns out to resemble more the last resort.

I highly recommend you shove it up your arse.

Trying hard to hold in the multiple orgasm here.

The only great spots I’m likely to find are from the local insects eating me alive if the last place was anything to go by.

One thousand moments of indecision and micro-pixel micro-management later.

From being mayor of my own town one minute to living in a supermarket own brand tent the next.

That’s capitalist society for you.

Do I look like I’m on medication or what? Industrial strength.

That map on the bottom right is what the island of doom looks like. There’s no bridges so only the south east third is accessible.

Who knows what hidden horrors they contain?

This is what ‘s known in management as ‘delegation’, where your slaves are encouraged to ‘take ownership’ of ‘challenges’.

In less politically correct, less woke times, ignorant bigoted people who don’t understand such complex matters called it ‘passing the buck’.

Delegation is very important in modern management. It allows senior management to free diary time which can be utilised more productively managing their Bet 365 portfolio on their smartphone and determining whether Taylor Swift or Kim Kardashian has the biggest tits.

Quocunque Jeceris Stabit.

A pink rhinoceros and a two shades of mucus koala. You can tell I’m the sort who always end up with the public transport weirdo insisting on sitting next to me.