Far Beyond The Black Horizon: Episode 1 – New Horizons, Same Old Arseturnips

Episode 1 – New Horizons, Same Old Arseturnips

Uhhhh … what?

Last I remember was boarding the train out of that mad house when no one was watching. Escape at last.

There was a comfortable seat, the first class carriage to myself, and complimentary champagne courtesy of Nookling Rail.

Yeah, I know, should have smelled a rat at once.

The only way to get a free drink out of a Nook is shove your fingers down their throat.

Now I find I’m being press-ganged into another of these yahoos’ money making schemes.

Last time it was running a town containing every textbook example of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

I’m not getting my hopes up this will be any better.

Pick the island pattern with the triskelion river. Has to be done. A sign of hope.

See that bit earlier about not getting my hopes up this will be any better?

But I’m committed – in much the same way this lot should be committed.

Thank you Captain Obvious.

In other words, here’s the part where we discover how screwed I really am.

Jawohl, meinen Obersturmbannführer.

Orientation sessions wherever you go are always the part where the penny drops ‘this wasn’t in the brochure’.

From universities to places of employment to the holiday resort which turns out to resemble more the last resort.

I highly recommend you shove it up your arse.

Trying hard to hold in the multiple orgasm here.

The only great spots I’m likely to find are from the local insects eating me alive if the last place was anything to go by.

One thousand moments of indecision and micro-pixel micro-management later.

From being mayor of my own town one minute to living in a supermarket own brand tent the next.

That’s capitalist society for you.

Do I look like I’m on medication or what? Industrial strength.

That map on the bottom right is what the island of doom looks like. There’s no bridges so only the south east third is accessible.

Who knows what hidden horrors they contain?

This is what ‘s known in management as ‘delegation’, where your slaves are encouraged to ‘take ownership’ of ‘challenges’.

In less politically correct, less woke times, ignorant bigoted people who don’t understand such complex matters called it ‘passing the buck’.

Delegation is very important in modern management. It allows senior management to free diary time which can be utilised more productively managing their Bet 365 portfolio on their smartphone and determining whether Taylor Swift or Kim Kardashian has the biggest tits.

Quocunque Jeceris Stabit.

A pink rhinoceros and a two shades of mucus koala. You can tell I’m the sort who always end up with the public transport weirdo insisting on sitting next to me.