The Ten WORST Star Wars Characters – Ever!

Now it’s all over bar the spin offs, you may argue with yourselves which ones were the best, but here’s Jazz-Hands’ take on the worst. The one’s really needing punched from now until the end of time.

Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo:

Every position abusing menopausal middle management bastard there has ever been and ever will be. The sort who with her fake smile is only happy when she’s kicking someone in the teeth oh so politely. She really belongs with the Imperials with her attitude that everyone is to know their place, which considering they are meant to be rebelling against exactly that attitude leads inevitably to disaster.

Yes, she sacrificed her life, but only after her f**kwit ‘I’m keeping big secrets to only myself and my besties – just to show I can,’ sparked an unnecessary mutiny (including amongst some of the officers) wasted time and resources, which meant even fewer rebels escaped.

It also never occured to her she could have launched dozens of smaller craft also with hyperspace capabilities, pre-programmed to do the same kamakaze manouevre (have these people never heard of autopilot controlled remotely from elsewhere?), and there would have been not only no need to bolt to some ice bucket requiring Luke Skywalker to save their asses (hilarious as it was), but Bill Weasley, Darth Emo and the rest of the Third Reich whoops Third Order would have been toast.

But she was probably too busy in those final moments before being splattered across the galaxy frigging herself over getting to hair rape Jaz Coleman lookalike Poe Damaron when he was unconscious – which the double-standards lobby will tell you wasn’t creepily sex predatory at all of the hatchet faced old cow, it was “maternal”. It wasn’t.

She’s a Space Weinstein and a shit tactician. Deal with it.

Nien Nunb:

Oh Nien Nunb, how do we count the ways of your awfulness? The desire to hit your face repeatedly with a blunt axe?

There are many who went through the whole series in the hope of seeing this annoying f**ker sliced in two, blown into autonomous body parts, or in some other way enjoy the prolonged painful demise he deserved, but oh no, no Nien Numb. He lived. How dare he!

While better Star Wars characters such as L3-37 only got to appear in a single spin off, this bastard went on and on and on, always in that complainy babbly gibberish like some incompetent waiter in a restaurant who can’t or won’t do anything requested by the customer and then gets pissy at the end when they don’t get a tip – other than ‘get your f**king finger out next time.’

Admiral Ackbar:

‘It’s a trap!’

Well, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!

That it took Lando Calrissian to figure that out first …

AND issue the order to break off the attack …

AND come up with a new plan of action to buy Han, Chewy and Leia’s assault squad on Endor more time to take down the deflector shield …

… whilst Ackbar sat in his air chair doing his best impression of Diane Abbott going flappy mouth blah blah blah to mask not having a bollocks what’s going on let alone what to do …

It begged the question anyone familiar in the Star Wars series soon began asking, that is, whose dick in the Rebellion got sucked so certain idiots got to be Admirals and Vice-Admirals ahead of proven competent commanders in the field of battle?

If they’d had Lando and Maz Kanata in charge of the Rebellion there would have been no Empire fugitives left for any Third Order, Final Order or Last Orders It’s Closing Time Please to emerge from.

Mon Mothma:

Thousand yard stare faux smile creepy bastard of the sort usually found on British university campus trying to get you to join the Christian Union or some other lunatic cult where you can get to forget about reality and stick a sign saying ‘Closed’ outside your brain.

The sort so fixed on their version of right, you know when they say ‘Many lives were lost to bring us this information blah blah blah’ you know she cares not a flying f**k as long as it wasn’t hers.

Want to know why old creepy Palpatine rose to power? She was the alternative.

Yeah, kind of makes sense now, doesn’t it?

Kylo Ren:

Severus Snape in Space – the teenage years. Except not as good. The tantrums. The pointless killing of his dad, Han Solo. Rey, Finn and Poe deserved a better adversary than the blundering character arc of Darth Emo where he goes from wanting to rule the galaxy to, no, wait, getting into Rey’s knickers to, no, wait, ruling the galaxy, etc, etc.

He’s a wrecking ball who f**ks up the lives of everyone he comes across, but because of his Force powers is constantly put in charge of others when he can’t even organise his hands to wipe his arse after taking a dump without somehow messing that up.

With allies like him, you don’t need adversaries, and no wonder in the end Bill Weasley decided letting the Rebellion win was less important to the galaxy than making sure Darth Emo was stopped from f**king it up any more than it already was.

C3-P0:

Fluent in six million forms of communication and unable to understand ‘Shut the fuck up you whiny mincing c**t!’ in any of them.

Once the scene stealing brilliance that is BB-8 arrived he and R2-D2 should have been retired from the series for good. In fact, it appears to escape the attention of even the biggest Star Wars dorks than most of the time C3-P0 was entirely useless. Unless off the screen he’d some sort of groinal attachment it really was a mystery why the Star Wars Scooby Gang kept him on at all.

Jar-Jar Binks:

Yes, too easy a target. A cross between a member of Happy Mondays or some other 90s baggy band (or whatever than genre was called) and a Radio One DJ, having a character who acted like he abused tranquilisers 24/7 wasn’t funny or necessary. Thankfully confined to the prequals no one cared a shit about anyway.

Salacious B Crumb:

Could it be any more obvious this annoying character was a Dark Crystal reject? Should have left it for Labyrinth, where no one would have cared as all the muppets were as annoying as each other. At least it had the good taste to die a truly horrific death.

Cornelius Evazan (and that Walrus geezer always with him):

‘I have the death sentence on twelve systems!’

Which goes to show whatever else you may say about the Star Wars series, at least they have the right idea about dealing with the sort of ‘after one pint I’ll take you all on’ tossers found hanging around in bars wherever you may go in the universe.