Jazz-Hands

Decided it was time to check out Tortimer’s Island. I suspect it’s a tax haven for those raccoons, lambchop features and the turnip seller set up by that turtle that used to be mayor.

No wonder Dalby was such a mess when I arrived when those in charge have been too busy setting up offshore banking fiddles.

Overpay their taxes? Yeah, sure. Funny how taxes came up in our first conversation together. I’ve got your number, matey!

Never mind, at least he’s not charging me for the boat trip.

Spoke too soon. The only thing you get around these parts for free are mosquito bites, and I expect the Nooks to nationalise them any day now and every time you are bitten by them having you charged for the ‘service’.

I think Kapp’n used to write songs for Björk.

Great. I’m being hit on by a mad frog.

It’s like being in Paris, except less slimy and not smelling of onions. No, wait a moment, I’m getting Paris mixed up with Blackpool during the tourist season. Easy mistake to make.

Relaxing is about the only thing you cannot do around here.

Leila is the child of someone around here, and ‘playing supermarket’ means she buys items from you for a fraction of what they are worth.

It’s useful to get some extra pennies for items such as shells that there is no point hauling back home at the expense of items that will sell for more at Re-tail (eg. the smallest fish!). I hoped playing with Leila this way might gain me some advantages around here, but this doesn’t appear to be the case.

You can get a wetsuit from the friendly gyroid as you leave the reception hall and enter the island proper to do some swimming and see if you can dive and catch anything underwater (you will have to do a bit of chasing underwater most times, so try to dive as close as possible.

It’s a great place to find lots of new creatures for the museum, for display at home, or to sell.

Watch out for the jelly fish when swimming – they sting!

The major activity on Tortimer’s Island is going on one of the many tours – which involves a fishing, bug catching, fossil digging or balloon popping game with a limited time to achieve a target in order to win medals to spend elsewhere.

You speak to Leilani at the front desk, pick a tour, and she will tell you to go and take a seat in the waiting area, whereupon shortly after you are transported to the tour site – a new land much bigger than Tortimer Island and roughly the same size as one a village is based in.

In some games it’s a perfect opportunity to acquire new fruits, flowers or catch bugs to take back, but watch out for games where you are only allowed to bring back set items to Tortimer (he puts on his stern face when warning you of this), or you will be disqualified and end up with nothing but a wasted five minutes.

There’s plenty of new goodies to be found on Tortimer Island proper. Apart from the diving, the shells sometimes offer hermit crabs or wharf roaches (the latter aren’t worth much when sold), and the fishing seldom disappoints.

Now swimming around happily in the Dalby Museum aquarium.

Once your basket is filled with items you want to take back home, you may as well head back – always with a lingering sense of sadness at leaving the island with its distinctive Hawaiian guitar and xylophone theme tune behind.

Sigh! I’ll miss Tortimer Island. But Kapp’n’s silly songs somehow take away the sting of leaving.

Besides, I can always come back another day…

New arrivals in more ways than one. All those oranges I planted have finally borne fruit as the trees from them come to triple my return. There’s also a new arrival due called Lucy down in the south-east corner of Dalby.

I’ve sent everyone a letter with one contained letting them know they’ve no excuse not getting their five-a-day now.

You’re lucky I haven’t shoved that rook up your backside, Camofrog.

What makes it even more bizarre that he offered to sell me the rook afterwards.

He was right about good things coming to those who wait.  125 Bells per turnip make for a very nice return of 30 Bells each after buying them for 95 Bells a few days earlier.

Isabelle has been nagging me to meet the former mayor down at the docks. After putting it off because it sounded a bit too mafia for my liking, I decided to find out what it was all about, Alfie.

Great. If it all goes wrong, there’s an escape craft. Or is this a Napoleon set-up where crap mayors are sent to exile in an Elba?

Will check out in due course.

Fauna has become the latest victim of fleas. Poor Fauna. She was too embarrassed to take around a parcel the post office had delivered to her instead of Sylvia. Under the circumstances, I agreed to deliver it to the correct addressee.

Are the fleas being spread by the Dalby post office delivery service? It wouldn’t surprise me if that moth eaten old hag Phyllis is riddled with them.

Pretty near looking home Sylvia’s got.

Changed the town tune a little bit – all I did was take out the random notes from it.

This is the jokes, folks. Don’t like sharks, likes hammerheads and saw-sharks. Duck logic!

Hippeux doesn’t seem to have grasped that oranges are for eating, not fashion accessories. Sigh! I bought it from him and planted it near my home.

Another day, another ‘piddling 198 000 Bells’ loan paid off to Tom ‘Del Boy’ Nook.

Sylvia developed an obsession with arowanas and begged me to catch one for her. They’re worth 10 000 Bells. I must have been mad, but I did it and gave her what she wanted. Keep the villagers happy is my motto.

Found this drunk gull in a sailor outfit lying drunk on the beach.

Gave up trying to wake him up in the end. With any luck the tide will wash him back out to sea.

New neighbour, another pig. Here’s hoping she’s not got an ego as big as Kevin’s – I don’t think Dalby could cope.

More rain.

Best part of rain: what bugs there are to catch on the trees aren’t very alert.

If what Sylvia’s saying is true, why does Paddington Bear always wear raingear?

(Other than he’s probably one of those rubber perverts. There’s a lot of it about in Darkest Peru, you know. They must have a lot of English style Public Schools).

Sylvia asked me to deliver a parcel to Bones.

Red warm-up suits smell of creamed corn. Today’s factoid brought to you by Bones.

You also get some odd fish in the rain. Or maybe this one simply got lost.

Camofrog got stung for a painting I knew was going to be a Sexton Blake before I’d even offered to take it off his hands – confirmed by Blathers. Will have to look out for this fox character.

No sooner paid off one house loan, Tom Nook has suckered me into another. When will I learn?

Curse you nefarious raccoon and your tempting space extensions.

Lucky I’ve got a regular harvest and catch routine to get the money in.

Which as I suspected was the Nooks and Lambchop face’s plan all along.

One day…

I hope you get that smirk wiped off your face with your Turnip values in the week’s Stalk Market.

Come to think of it, maybe that’s what happened to everyone here. They all lost a fortune and have conned me into rebuilding their lost wealth: just like the banks and governments do when they lose all their money and expect everyone else to pay for it.

Ugh! I need to be less paranoid.

I’ll bet you’re happiest when you’re walking about town and happen upon a flower starting to bloom. You’re probably thinking ‘KA-CHING!’ Is everyone in Dalby a bourgeoise capitalist oppressor of the masses?

The new shop turned out to be a limited gardening shop, selling two flowers, one tree and one different tool per day. The flowers will come in handy, and the tools, but he can keep the trees. That’s what harvesting the oranges are for.

I gave Maelle help with a new greeting. Yes, predictably corny, but whatever. Dalby runs on puns.

Notice sarcastic face with Kevin. Whatever the answer, he gets annoyed. The correct answer is of course ‘depends whether there’s any bees behind me!’

I water all the flowers in Dalby once a day. No point relying on the villagers. Many of them do water, but it doesn’t appear to be with any pattern to it, and I want this place blooming.

Memo to myself: everyone’s house at the front and sides to get flowers. Three each side, in a two colour pattern. Create a large bunch of identical types of flowers so they multiply fast, and transfer to homes once enough are ready so that it will still leave plenty behind to multiply elsewhere.

Em, a dildo bush?

When Cookie finally realises what I said, I hope it doesn’t affect my citizen satisfaction rating.

Of course, if she’s asking questions like this she’s probably going to be too stoned to remember what she asked anyway, never mind what I replied.

Maybe the Nooks are touting cough medicine to the villagers under the counter. Would explain a lot.

Although the rain stopped later, there were still more gyroids to dig up. I’m becoming slightly obsessed with them, and determined to get a set.

Sounds legit.

It comes with experience.

Anyone with a double chin, pebble glasses and a scoutmaster’s uniform in this day and age is suspect. Or a cosplayer, and you’re a bit old for that.

Allow me to kick your gonads.

Oh. He did have badges to give. A fish badge. Colour me guilty.

But if he asks me next if I like fishsticks, that shovel is going to come in handy.

Kevin is still being plagued with fleas. He’s stealing my bacon jokes as well, the swine.

(Sorry!)

Blathers, seriously, get help.

Or get yourself some new material.

Is there anyone around here going to be normal today?

This makes the day all worth it.

Hippeux has got such class. Look at his home – it’s beautiful! From the wallpaper and carpet right down to all the belongings he has – jealous doesn’t begin to describe it.

Having him as my next door neighbour doesn’t seem so bad after all. Now I just have to hope the other villagers don’t send him screaming for the first train out.

Still it rains, but the locals like it.

Rice milk? I’m more a strawberry or chocolate soya type.  If we had Rice Krispies for hailstones, that would be cool.

Kevin made me an offer as mayor I couldn’t refuse.

Even if I did want to run away screaming!

Why his home is made to look like a construction site is anyone’s guess.

He was impressed with the way I managed to whip a flea off him.  Like all other insects, you need to be sneaking for this to work.

I’m beginning to wonder if this bridge is a common factor? Kevin and Bones both having one after crossing it. Maybe there is some sort of troll under the bridge who throws fleas on anyone crossing.

Memo to myself: Find three Billy Goats to eradicate problem. Preferably gruff.

Never, ever, hit a villager with the net if they do not have a flea on them. Not only is it a good way to get on their wrong side, but any witnesses or friends of theirs too – bang down goes your citizen satisfaction points. Being mean to villagers (even if you don’t like them) is pretty douchy anyway.

Part and parcel of being mayor is learning to be tolerant – putting up with others you may not like.

Animal Crossing: New Leaf is like those old cartoons with the moral lesson at the end, like when the head Thundercat, Batman or whoever would wag his finger at the screen and say ‘Now remember kids, violence never solved anything’ after spending the previous half hour of punching the f**k out of everything that crossed his path.

Maybe that wasn’t the best comparison. I’ll shut up now.

Try it out Cookie? What else can I do when I spend all my time making money for Tom Nook!

At the museum, a historic moment (alright, a museum is a collection of historic moments but you know what I mean!). Our first completed dinosaur display.

You really do not want to read what he said next. Right when I thought he could not get any weirder.

Let’s have a look at this Archelon anyway.

It made Camofrog happy at any rate.

Blathers thinks of them as something else entirely, Camofrog, but you really don’t want me to elaborate on it.

Sylvia has a robust cicada fetish. Must be the pheremones they give off.

Okay, have it, leave me alone you sick weirdo.

Memo to myself: never have robust cicadas about my person when Sylvia is around.

As if there wasn’t enough weirdness in Dalby…

Em, was it good for you? Did the earth move?

At least Cookie’s request was more normal.

Of course I will. I always do.

No matter how few Bells or whatever other crap you proffer.

Yes, I think the Able Sisters would make a fortune selling these.

Today’s be careful what you wish for moment. Remember yesterday I said about Sylvia being a purple kangaroo and asked ‘what next, a yellow hippo?’

Oh gods Of Animal Crossing: New Leaf, why do you mock me so? Although I do love his wallpaper and carpet so much, I cannot wait for him to unpack and find out what his home looks like.

There’s also another little mystery to solve, Scooby Doo.

Builders are banging and hammering away behind blue tarpurlin covered scaffording between Nookling Junction and the Able Sisters. What is going on? As mayor, shouldn’t I be kept informed?

The plot thickens.

A new day, same Dr Freud casebook from Blathers.

I was sorely tempted to tell Maelle to change her catchphrase to ‘Fuckface’. She’d be murdered by the rest of the villagers before the following nightfall for sure.

Damn my soft heart I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Not this time.

A lot of the Dalby villagers wanted their catchphrases changed. Someone must have been telling them all theirs were lame, and I wouldn’t be surprised if a certain frogspawn breath was behind it.

I’m keeping Fauna on the deer puns for now.

Villagers sometimes get hyper over something you have caught and plead with you to swap it or buy it. No matter what the value, I always do so.

I never say no, I never play hardball with the price. Any loss on the transaction is made up by making them happy – what you are there to do as mayor.

I’d never make a politician – I’m too nice.

Dalby Post Office is not an Equal Opportunities Employer (pelicans only it seems), but Phyllis does her best to disguist this by acting like a total cow.

Very surprised at Bones – all the other villagers houses appear the same size inside. It could be his home has more space taking up junk in it.

More rain today, so maybe I can get some more gyroids and some good fish? Sylvia’s enjoying it at any rate.

I have acknowledged for the first time that Sylvia is a purple kangaroo. If this is the sort of villagers I can expect, no wonder Blathers is nutty as walnut cake – it would be enough to send anyone mad. What next, a yellow hippo?

No, a gypsy hog.

A Stalk Market, in which everyone invests in Turnip Futures, selling onto Reece who dictates the daily price. It almost makes Ginko Financial look legit.

Another piece fits into the jigsaw puzzle in how the Nooklings and the Lambchops have this village totally under their control by swindling them out of their hard earned Bells.

That weird fella standing at the end of the commercial district…

So this is the brother Isabelle has talked about?

I want the last five minutes of my life back.

What the Bells is this Happy Home Academy anyway?

I know one thieving raccoon that ought to be able to explain.

Lyle looks mental. The sort that collects fast food plastic containers as a hobby.

I want my mummy.

Have I ever stepped into Tom Nook’s office once without somehow ending up out of pocket to the little skeet?

Pocket change alright – all my change ends up in his bloody pocket! Urgh!

Life trapping and fishing carries on apace, and so does the bad punning in the process.

As does the getting stung by bees – you can see from the shut left eye again – I took my revenge on this one that was flying around innocently. Sold to Re-Tail, although what they want them for is anyone’s guess. I think Reece must sell them onto slave hive owners who make them honey for them or they get smoked.

On the subject of bugs, Blathers has issues. He freaks out when he’s given bugs, before blathering on after about how they remind him of when he was a child in his mother’s nest. Was his mum a sort of psycho owl that covered him in bugs as punishment if he didn’t do his chores properly? He never mentions his father either. There could be a connection, but I’m frightened of getting in too deep.

Fauna is still a sweetie, and the only one I’ve met in the commerce part of town who doesn’t start talking about shopping immediately. Maybe they aren’t all in league with the Nooks to get me to spend every Bell earned on crap to keep them rolling in it.

Isabelle has been giving me extra advice on running the village, and now I own a house I can start doing Public Works and enacting ordinances to make it better.

You have to love her cynicism in the second frame – very Sir Humphrey!

We have a new member about to arrive in the next day or two called Sylvia. Hope she’s better than the frog has proved so far.

I also caught a moth that was near to impossible not to spot on the tree.

But the bigger they are, the more stealthy you have to be, and the proximity you can get before it flies off even on sneak isn’t as good. These fellows carry big bells (1200), so good to get, but rare.

Breaking the fourth wall for a moment, parents will approve of the way after about an hour of playing the game, the characters will advise the player to take a rest from the game.

As Animal Crossing: New Leaf is aimed at young children (sales survey figures however say most players are females in their late 20s!), it’s nice to see a company showing a bit of responsibility towards their younger players, even if they will in all likelyhood ignore it.

Sarcastic but diplomatic smiley face response to bad jokes from Cookie. Isabelle would give nodding approval were she here.

I think I’m going to like Dalby after all.

Against my better judgement, tried the clothes shop again run by Sonic The Hedgehog’s sisters.

I think I have anger issues. I want to smash Sable’s head into that sewing machine so much. Lucky Fauna turned up. It’s impossible to feel mad if she’s around.

For once I didn’t march back out again with a head steaming full of various potential ways the Ables would meet their untimely demises, but tried a few items on and – cue drum roll – bought two.

The Twallan look – always gives the air of reassurance you know what you’re doing.

It could also be construed however as the Steve Dallas look however. Dilemma.

This looks rather mayorish, mayorial or whatever the right adjective is.  I’m sure it will come in useful when the weather gets colder. As now, it is far too hot for anything except a t-shirt.

As mayor, I suppose I ought to be setting an example of confidence in local small business enterprises by spending, even if I do think the Nooks are crooks and have Dalby’s economy stitched up around recycling and petty trading to force everyone to flock to the Lambchop duo (see what I did there?).

Now I have a house to fill with tasteless junk, at least I have an excuse.

There appears to be some evidence pointing towards a drug culture in Dalby, judging from comments by Bones.

Oh what? Spacing out? Could this be what causes that Cyrus to be sleeping all day in Re-tail?

Maybe that’s why Reece is so defensive about him. Poor Reece. Stuck with a worthless bum of a husband she’s having to run a bric-a-brac shop in order to pay for that scrag’s skag.

it would also explain Blathers.

Do you know the number of times I’ve gone to him to look at fossils or to donate fish and bugs, only for him to stand there looking at me blankly, opening his beak like he’s about to say something, only for there to be…

… nothing?

He looks so doped out half the time, jumpy the rest, has memory problems, wants to sleep all day, and only comes awake late at night which would be roundabout when his fix of whatever he’s getting punted wears off and his body starts craving to score.

It would also explain his fear of bugs. He’s probably seeing spiders crawling up the walls all the time in his state.

He came close to confessing to me today, but broke off.

Don’t worry, I understand. Admitting you have a problem is half the battle.

I think as well I’ve discovered who is behind it.

You suck at the Wordy Rappinghood, Katrina.

The Rieklings of Solstheim are much better at it.

At least the goora goora part sounds kinda right.

Okay, what was that supposed to be instead? Psychonaut ?

Is that it? That your best shot?

WHAT THE…

Okay I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m incredibly sorry I’m incredibly soggy pants sorry please don’t cast me into your evil pit of tentacles of everlasting doom and horribleness!

Em, I don’t think this cat’s got anything to do with drugs stronger than catnip if she’s making prophecies involving the police.

What? The best my fortune is ever going to be is nothing but pants?

WELL THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!

Thank you Forrest Gump’s mum, that makes me feel a whole lot better.

Mmmm, don’t think she’s behind the local drug problem. I’ll need to investigate further.

On the bright side, I was heading for home after and ran into Camofrog, who was a lot friendlier this time.

I won’t be taking any of his advice though. He’s still to discover about the bees it seems.

There’s another cool way to get some goodies that doesn’t involve worrying about nasty stingers.

Almost forgot.

A proper roof over my head instead of canvas and a bright red post box. Yay!

Guess who turned up the second I was in the door?

Aw bless her little jangly footsteps wherever she goes.

It ain’t much…

…but it’s home!

At the top of the shopping district is a big blocked up area with spotlights illuminating a sign. If I cared enough, I’d find out what it’s all about, Alfie.

I’ve been busy fishing away, coining in the Bells and giving first refusal to Blather the owl. The aquariums at any rate should be starting to show something for themselves.

(Oh, and the puns after every catch are sometimes good)

Best catch so far has been the hammerhead shark, which looks real impressive when it turns as it swims around the big tank of the aquarium.

I have also discovered however that it is possible to catch rubbish like empty cans. Pink Lambchop will ‘kindly’ dispose of these for a fee that cuts into what money I make from selling to her.

I wouldn’t be half surprised if muttonhead’s dumping it all back in the sea late at night for everyone to catch again. Give me proof, and I’ll give her and quiffboy an appointment with the nearest oven and jar of mint sauce.

Why did the wording change?

There is a new torment around Dalby, but this time I have taken the war to them. Sometimes (in particular at bridges) you can get two, and you need to quickly net one before the other flies in to bite you while you are enjoying a well-earned gloat.

Once spotted they have next to no chance of escaping your net and sell for an easy 130 bells. Not much, but still more than most of the common shells (sand dollars, sea-snail shells and cowries) and  on the beach will get.

Is this the Dalby version of the Butterfly of Doom?

Bug hunting requires more stealth in comparison to fishing. Too often when moving from North to South the first you know there was a promising bug resting on a tree is when it flies away, unless it is one of the cicadas. They make a real racket, so you know to make a wide bearth around, down, and back up to make your catch.

The puns for the bugs are every bit as cringeworthy enjoyable.

Locusts hop around the place rather than resting on trees, and if you don’t get them first time, it can result in a helter-skelter chase.

If you’re not careful, all your efforts will result in nothing more than you demolishing what flowers you had (if you run through flowers or hit them with the net, there is a chance of destroying them) before the little bugger decides to swim for it or vanish into solid rock (this is Dalby, remember?).

Mystery to be solved: why is there a basket or lobster pot on a small pier, yet there are no fisherfolk in Dalby?

In fact, I have not saw one of the locals go anywhere near the beaches.

Made a point of going to say hello to the new arrival in town, Camofrog, only for he/she/it to tell me I’d already done so. Em, what?

Confused, I went back to the Town Hall (which is right next door to where Camofrog built his/her/its home), where I decided to find out a bit more about what changes I can make to the place. The town tune I didn’t alter other than removing the random second last note so it has a predictable downward progression on the last three notes.

For the curious, the Dalby tune goes like this on the QR Crossing Town Melody Generator:

Isabelle also gave me an option to complain about any of the locals’ behaviour, but it’s early days, so I declined.

Just as well, since she’s a bit of a blouse!

I’m looking so me today? Why, what did I look like yesterday instead?

On second thoughts, don’t ask. Maybe this town has turned me into a shape shifter and I’ve not noticed without access to a mirror. Another worry to keep me awake at night.

Yeah, yeah, Cookie, I get the hint – spend Dalby into prosperity by paying Tom Nook the money for the house and giving his obsequious little brother the rest of my shinies for his tat.

Hope it chokes you, you money grabbing little skeet!

The Nookings: the Illuminati of Dalby.

It’s a start.

Moments later, I ran into Kevin.

Allowance? What allowance! You skeets don’t pay me a single Bell to be mayor and I’m even having to scavenge to be able to buy my own house, you swine.

Why, are you expecting the big bad wolf to come to huff and puff and blow your house in?

Ow! Why do I keep falling over for no reason when I run? At least this time it was on the grass, not the cobblestones.

Call it sad, but I really love it when the level crossing works for a train to go by.

I want to see if I can time it so I am stopped on the other side of the barrier onetime as well. Don’t ask me why, but I always seem to get my best ideas when standing waiting at the level crossing.

Although Bones also helped me to come up with a good one. Remember Isabelle telling me everyone wanted more plants in the town? What about some more trees?

More orange trees could also get rid of the Pitfall infestation about the place, maybe. Dig a hole, drop an orange in, one more tree in a few days time, three more oranges a few more days later.

I also have a perfect orange I was given, which I will keep for now but plant later once I am sure I have the hang of it.

What it would certainly mean is more greenery, and a revenue generator if I can get enough of them planted. Much better than shaking trees hoping for coins and hoping even more there’s no beehives in them!

That however is for tomorrow.

Tonight I spend my last in a tent, hoping that the good weather lasts until the morn.

I’ve come to a bit of a junction with my dealings with Dalby.

Have got used to the officialdom around the place: Isabelle – my Sir Humphrey – isn’t as neurotic as I first thought, Blathers at the museum is sweet enough, especially as I’m bringing him lots of goodies for display, and Pelly at the Post Office directed me into getting a free palm tree lamp (I may even find a use for it one day).

What a pity that Blathers is such a blouse over bugs that I need to give them to him as a job lot or with fish or fossils so he doesn’t freak out. Not sure how to give mouth to mouth to an owl if he faints.

As Kevin has reminded me for the hundreth time, there aren’t enough fossils in the musuem.

Or at least what I’m getting is lots of bits of completely different skeletons, but nothing to make a set. When you can only get a maximum of four fossils a day – and there’s the possibility of getting duplicates – I fear this is going to take a while before I get anywhere near a big dinosaur skeleton, so I’m going to have Kevin (and a few others) with a bone to pick for a while.

Does anyone know what this butt lazy lambchop with the ten foot long duck ass quiff does except for sleep at his desk all day? Pink Lambchop blew a fuse when I tried to wake him, saying something about him resting after working so hard.

Working so hard doing what? Digging an escape tunnel out of town in the twilight hours? Is that what those plans he’s got all over the place are about?

I think that must be the ultimate dread for the outside world – one day there will be an mass outbreak from Dalby.

Meh, maybe I should let them escape. Ungrateful skeets!

Em, she’s not going to start talking about burning things again at this point…

Isabelle has told me one thing solid which I can also do to improve the town, and that is to increase the number of plants.

Okay smarty pooch, where do I get more plants from?

One improvement I could do, send all the residents in town a ‘hello’ letter.

Letter writing is a big deal around here, even though everyone lives on top of one another. A regular letter writing habit to all can make the difference between building good relationships with the villagers or not from the outset.

When in Rome, or rather when in Dalby…

In the meantime:

I think I’d best leave giving this one to Blathers until I find something else tomorrow, don’t you?!