The Lonely Island Chronicles: Episode 11 – Five, Almost Six Years Later…

Lonely Island was created and owned by Rflong7/13, but was taken over by some undead Simmies for a bit of peace and quiet after involuntary resurrection from Ivy Hill Graveyard. It includes some others escaping from their own ‘life issues’, and is a sanctuary for the much maligned Butterfly of Doom and many other misunderstood species of Sims nature.

It’s been a long while, yet the residents of Rflong7/13’s Lonely Island are still there making the best of things, and the Jazz-Hands Gnubb Club (with its underground swimming pool, band space and other amusements) is still its central hub.

‘Hello, I am Elysia Knaith, Chargés d’Affaires ad nauseum and current First Speaker of the Lonely Island Wotchyamacaulit – the ruling council of the island and its dependencies – and I live by one of the many splendid beaches which Lonely Island has to offer the discerning tourist seeking quiet contemplation in idyllic surroundings.

‘Our community has gone through many trials and tribulations over the years, but here we remain, self sufficient and now an exporter of fine foodstuffs, music, arts and – um – other things perhaps best not brought up in polite conversation.

‘Here on Lonely Island we’ve shown that there’s a useful role to the wider Simmie society to be played by we – ahem! – involuntarily resurrected: what used to be referred to as livormorts, but we prefer the term Argyrians now as a little less morbid sounding.’

‘I still say it makes you sound like monsters from Doctor Who!’

‘Hush, Haily! Arrumph, as I was saying, We may be all from different background, shapes, sizes, opinions, um … lifestates … whatever – but together we have worked to build the harmonious community we are so proud of today.’

‘Undead freak? You’re calling me an undead freak?’

‘ – and we still all love to come together when the opportunity provides to knock a few Gnubb sticks around and chew the rag.’

‘Listen witless Whitsun Winterbottom, I’d rather be an undead freak than a brain dead dunghill with a ten gallon hat on a half pint head!’

‘And, um, occasionally lose the rag as well – which in Hazel Tyneham’s case is a rare event may I add. Usually it’s Rowan that dishes out the family’s insults.

‘But look! there’s young Shrove Winterbottom with Switch Cloverstardropper. Now they occasionally have their differences, but that’s never stopped them from remaining civil to one another.’

‘ – and I’m telling you for the last time, or else, stop calling me Pancake!’

‘Alright, I’ll call you F**KFACE instead!’

‘Um, yes, well, ahem, things can sometimes get a little, um, overheated – we are a passionate bunch out here as you would expect in a community of talented artisans over many important matters’ ***cough!*** [mutters] Gordon bleeding Bennett couldn’t they all have bloody behaved just for one day? ‘As you can see over there, Diggory Winterbottom and Grigor Gasterlich are discussing as ever important matters of international commerce and high finance.’

‘ – and quite aside from the television which left my wife traumatised, that crummy watch you sold me Ghastly keeps time worse than a drunken drummer the few times I’ve actually got it to work – and you said both had lifetime guarantees!’

‘My dear Diggory! This is most concerning! Have you saw a doctor? Consulted with a mainland hospital?’

‘A doctor? What’s a doctor got to do with this?’

‘Why, if I – Grigor Gasterlich, international entrepreneur and philanthropist – have sold you items with lifetime guarantees, and these misfortunes have occured, there can only be one rational explanation: you must be seriously ill!’

‘You see what’s happened to this place Elysia Knaith ever since you took charge? I came here with my family seven years ago to seek a more ecologically sustainable way of life, mindfulness and to find ourselves.

‘Instead, we found ourselves stuck on a plumbobbing pirates’ cove, surrounded by invading escaped zombie smurfs, escaped crooks, escaped sociopaths and escaped psychopaths – or those who are a combination of each!

‘What sort of low down, sleezy, corrupt cesspit has this place become?’

‘The FINEST in the whole Simming world – making us the Simmies we are today!’ ***wobbles bottom lip***

Haily ‘Skeletal Screams’ Farber tends to get all patriotic at times like this.

An escapee from Haunted Valley Sanitorium (she is the only Simmie whose psychosis resulted in an international treaty agreeing to her permanent incarceration as a danger to all carbon based lifeforms’ physical and mental health), she’s been holed up ironically in another of Rflong7/13’s lands ever since!

‘At least Diggory’s boho wife Felicity is able to get on with the undead islanders a little better.’

‘Look Diggory darling, look, I’m actually winning against Willow Tyneham – the island champion!’

Willow’s in one of her cruel moods today – she’s letting Felicity have a head start and build up her hopes before embarking on her routine destruction of most who plays her. Again out of character – she’s the only one on the island almost as stark raving bonkers as Haily – but the Winterbottoms tend to bring out the worst in the Tynehams.

Diggory isn’t the only one complaining.

‘Why are we still staying here in this free range lunatic asylum!’

‘Because we’ve still got international warrants for our arrests issued by the Council of the United Nations of The Sims for revenue tax evasion in Sunset Valley, Riverview, Bridgeport, Starlight Shores, Lucky Palms, Hidden Springs, Roaring Heights, Sunlit Tides, Monte Vista, Shang Simla, Champs Les Sims and Al Simhara after that damn accountancy firms arrangements for the world tours for The Sarcastic Badgers, The Key Cutters, The Catwampus Imperative and Daisy Disaster were all found to be fraudulent. They’re all doing 10 000 years in jail – and that was on appeal!’

‘But the only reason for coming here to this glorified nature reserve was in getting ourselves elected onto the island’s running council and put in charge we’d acquire diplomatic immunity – now we’ve voted off there’s nothing to stop them coming here after us.’

‘Only if Elysia lets them come on – and she’s not gonna do that! She’s given me her word.’

‘And you trust her?’

‘Um – you really didn’t need to be hearing any of that. They were just – ahahaha! – rehearsing their lines for a new play – yes, that’s it! –  our local thespian Smedley Bracegirdle is organising – Casting Spreadsheets On The Waves or something like that.’

‘Nice try, Pinocchio. Ruff-ruff! I’m a little woof-woof and I like doggy…’

‘YES THANK YOU HAILY! Innit marvellous! You try to do a plug for your homeland – only for this lot to make a buttplug out of it!’

‘At least unlike this tip you can get some fun from a buttplug!’

‘Witty darling, language please!’

‘I’ll ram my toe up your arse at high speed never mind a buttplug if I get any more of your lip Witless, you saucy little git! Look, this lot have their disagreements, but look what’s happening now with Diggory and Uncle Ghastly, er I mean Grigor Gasterlich.’

‘He’s telling about his new investments market portfolio. It’s a top down bottom up multi layered inter-dimensional hedge and shubbery fund, and Diggory’s falling for it, um, I mean considering making an educated investment in it.’

‘Look at young Shrove and Switch – a few moments ago they were almost at each other’s throats.’

‘But now they’re discussing in earnest the new limited edition My Little Ponies Of The Apocalypse coming out in the spring.’

‘Indeed, Elysia is correct – apologies for this apropos interdiction. Rowan Tyneham, at your service! My sisters and I may have the occasional intemperate contemporary contretemps with one’s neighbours, but one never forgets one’s neighbours are always one’s friends.’

‘Even Whitsun Winterbottom, who one concurs can be – if you pardon the venacular – a f**king oxygen thief needing his face shoved in a food blender.’

‘Um ***cough!*** thank you for that Rowan – I think! Lonely Island may be at times a loony bin – but it’s our little loony bin, and I wouldn’t swap it for the world!’