Vote Christian Cooper For Next United States President 2020 (And Put A Rational Adult In The White House For Once!)

Politics giving you the bird?

Jazz-Hands knows the candidate to unite the less than United States of America. Let’s face it, it’s had better years!

For those unaware of his story, back on 25th May 2020, Christian Cooper, a Harvard graduate, comic editor for Marvel and science magazine editor) was in the Ramble area of New York’s Central Park (much loved by film and TV crews over the years) as a long time amateur ornithologist, known in fact to many regulars.

(And thus a target for the ‘hey mister what’s that bird there?’ or ‘what bird’s making that song?’ brigade – ‘it’s a f**king pterodactyl, assturnip!‘ is what they get from me)

A young woman called Amy Cooper came along and unleashed her dog – against specific regulations designed to protect local wildlife.

Christian Cooper asked her to get the door back on a lead, and she refused. This is how the conversation according to Mr Cooper went:

Christian Cooper: Ma’am, dogs in the Ramble have to be on the leash at all times. The sign is right there.

Amy Cooper: The dog runs are closed. He needs his exercise.

Christian Cooper: All you have to do is take him to the other side of the drive, outside the Ramble, and you can let him run off leash all you want.

Amy Cooper: It’s too dangerous.

Christian Cooper: Look, if you’re going to do what you want, I’m going to do what I want, but you’re not going to like it.

Amy Cooper: What’s that?

Christian Cooper: (to the dog) Come here, puppy!

Amy Cooper: He won’t come to you.

Christian Cooper: We’ll see about that.

Christian Cooper then pulled out the dog treats he carried for occasions such as this.

It may seem strange, but if you are a regular park stroller, having a bag of doggy treats can be the difference between being able to go on your way or having some skeet’s slobbering moron or psycho mutt barring your path, or worse – especially in a world too many have some land shark to circumvent offensive weapon legislation.

Or getting some hapless’s owner’s dog back under control when they can’t catch it (dogs which spend too long housebound during the week are particularly uncontrollable once let loose in the open air – and you can’t blame them. See also under ‘Land Shark’).

He didn’t even get a chance to toss any treats to Amy Cooper’s misbehaving mutt, as she screamed at him not to touch her dog and scrambled to grab it, fearing the treats were poisoned.

As she threatened to call the cops, Christian Cooper invited her to do just that, turning on his smartphone video recorder with sound, in full view of her so she was perfectly aware what he’d done, only ceasing once she’d leashed the dog as she’d been asked to do.

This is what happened next:

Christian Cooper uploaded this without condition to the internet in its entirity so people could make a rational judgement themselves as to events.

It is harder to see an instance of one person digging themselves deeper and deeper in a hole than Amy Cooper did here.

‘I’m going to tell them you’re an African-American man threatening my life.’

‘Please tell them whatever you like!’

She lies about being threatened.

She behaves in a hysterical manner over the phone in the hope it will get the police to come quicker.

She plays the race card openly in the hope it will trigger an overreaction by the New York Police (which actually has more blacks on their force than any other part of the States, the legacy of initiatives in the 1990’s as part of Rudy Giuliani’s Zero Tolerance policy on crime).

Oh, and it’s is clear she can’t control her dog properly – never mind herself!

The police arrived, and in double quick time, it was Amy Cooper who found herself being arrested, on a charge of wasting police time.

Coming on the day the George Floyd mass overreaction began, it at least added a degree of much needed comic relief, as Christian Cooper’s video hung this skeet out to dry. She was forced by the shelter from which she adopted her dog two years before – Abandoned Angels Cocker Spaniel Rescue – to surrender the dog to make sure it wasn’t being ill treated (returned to her after a vet’s evaluation all was well on 3rd June).

With weary inevitability, the story grew legs and tails, as it turned out Amy Cooper had ‘previous’ for playing the hysteria card with the apartment block she rented from. Even more ironic, it turned out she’d been part of her local Democrats’s unsuccessful campaign to put Hilary Clinton in the White House against Trump – which had made great play about the latter’s racist attitudes. Cooper was even reported by a former friend, Martin Priest, to both New Jersey and New York police for stalking – but no charges were ever filed against her. Priest claimed his friendship with Cooper had been a ceaseless ‘cycle of drama.’

It was at this juncture, matters began to go The Bonfire Of The Vanities territory.

Her employer, Franklin Templeton, fired her within forty eight hours, even though she was head of the firm’s insurance investment.

The pretext was ‘We do not condone racism of any kind’ – although as the incident had occured in her own free time, not on a work day, and the company had never been mentioned in the context, it really was none of their business: unless of course it brought potential previous dramas at work concerning her into a new light – but under employer/employee confidentiality laws, that will never be known and must remain purely conjecture.

The real reason was more likely to be a fear of clients pulling their business if she remained under the George Floyd hysteria gripping the U.S. at the time. When you’ve a business worth $800 billion, you don’t gamble it on one employee being 2020’s Top Assturnip on Facebook and Twitter.

Amy Cooper began receiving death threats, even though Christian Cooper, now growing alarmed at how much events were spinning out of control, said to the media: ‘I find it strange that people who were upset … that she tried to bring death by cop down on my head … would then turn around and try to put death threats on her head. Where is the logic in that?’

Logic, as Christian Cooper was soon to find out, had already taken a back seat, and the Rage Monkey of Insanity was at the wheel, driving at pedestrians on the pavement.

Terina Allen, a ‘careers advisor’ at the usual sober Forbes magazine, claimed:

‘Watching this uncomfortable and angry white woman go to unthinkable extremes to make a point is so doggone frightening that it scares me to think of what would have happened had Christian not had the video recording.’

Leaving aside her unintentional dog pun, she went further by disgracefully comparing it to the 1955 lynching and murder of 14 year old Emmett Till in Missisippi because a young store clerk Carolyn Bryant lied to others he’d wolf whistled her.

To give you context, this was the year 15 year old Claudette Colvin was dragged kicking and screaming by police off a Montgomery, Alabama bus for refusing to give up her seat to a white adult – nine months later the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People staged a carbon copy event with their local secretary Rosa Park, the NAACP having left Colvin to face the music because they saw her as ‘dirty’. To say the United States has moved far on since those reprehensible days hardly needs stressing.

But Allen’s was one of the more understated pieces, and it was perhaps no coincidence that YouTube saw clips of Father Ted’s famous parody of racism hysteria spike. Meanwhile, a completely different Amy Cooper, a physiotherapist from Manhatten who also used Central Park for jogging, found herself being barraged with hate mail after her private details were doxxed by online vigilantes.

Finally, Christian Cooper had enough when the Manhattan District Attorney filed charges against Amy Cooper on Monday 6th July 2020 for wasting police time, making it clear he would not be filing any addition testimony or complying with any requests for further information from law or justice departments for what had become an overblown episode of ‘Judge Judy’.

Christian Cooper’s response was to tell the New York Times:

‘She’s already paid a steep price … That’s not enough of a deterrent to others? Bringing her more misery just seems like piling on. If the DA feels the need to pursue charges, he should pursue charges. But he can do that without me.’

That hasn’t stopped constitutional law professor Gloria J. Browne-Marshall, from claiming ‘If the police believed she was really being attacked, they could have come in with guns drawn and she would have been the only witness in this — outside of that video that may or may not have surfaced.’

Since when was ‘conjecture’ admissible in a court of law – in the U.S. or anywhere else past the era of the Salem witch trials? She may as well have argued the big pterodactyl mentioned earlier could have appeared from a wormhole blown in the space-time continuum by Amy Cooper’s racist call and eaten Christian Cooper – it’s no less absurd a proposition; especially in New York where it’s easier hailing one cab than hailing one cop.

But what is even more flabberghasting, indeed, The Bonfire Of The Vanities made flesh, is Browne-Marshall’s statement:

‘This isn’t just about Christian Cooper. The community has been harmed by the actions of Amy Cooper and, in order to rectify this, then the people of New York need to have their day in court, even if Christian Cooper is a reluctant witness.’

Again, as a constitutional professor, the millionairess Gloria J. Browne-Marshall knows damned well that the law and justice is not all about ‘the people’ or ‘the community’ having ‘their day in court’. The only ones who ‘need’ this are Machiavellian legal eagles with an eye for the main chance and the high-profile, high-fees such a judicial feeding frenzy backed by a media circus would attain.

Law and justice is not about satisfying a primal desire for revenge – at least, in civilised societies.

The alarming implications of all this – under the madness of American law – is that Christian Cooper could find himself being charged, fined and even jailed if he calls enough is enough to being used as a pawn by social media galvanised lynchmobs

Mr Cooper’s a stubborn old bird – and the sheer absurdity of the situation may provoke a man who could never have written a story this outlandish even in his X-Men scripting days to call their bluff.

If he does, he may find plenty on the planet will be ready to back him financially and physically to protect his right to say ‘Not in my name!’