Go Take A Walk, Lavender Boy – Or Why Are Mature Students Such Wankers?

If you live in the British Isles, chances are you will have saw the new advert for PitPat, a new app which lets you keep track of how much exercise your dog is actually getting, presented by some lady along the lines of the late Barbara Woodhouse, the famous dog trainer, a scrawny old cow who looked like she washed once a year (if that sounds unkind, the old bitch’s TV shows single handedly made canine choke chains popular, where you ‘trained’ your dog by regularly throttling it – hope she’s burning in the depths of the Underworld under the control of Anubis and Wepwawet)

It’s the best thing on TV right now – thirty seconds of surreal madness.

There is perhaps a whole number of creepy subtexts to this advert – domineering proto-matriarch waving and flexing leads at the screen with a frisky leer, the ‘wet and messy’ jumping around in puddles and into leaves, and finally the firing of two ball bazookas at chest level while thrusting out her cleavage as far as it can go without a blouse button popping at the camera and her voice becoming menacing, before finally popping up in a dog outfit.

Either that or I’m reading Mod The Sims too much. They’ve got some strange ideas.

Some people like it, some don’t. It’s a free world.

They don’t all go to the stage of Mark Lavender of reporting it to the Advertising Standards Authority because it got his dog excited.

What sort of bloody killjoy skeet does something like that?

‘Anyone who posts quotes from famous people to make themselves look sage is invariably a wanker.’ – Jazz-Hands

Oh, that sort of killjoy, should have known – goes with the territory.

Mature students are some of the biggest wankers you will come across in life, especially male ones, constipated with their own ‘this is my second degree, the first one was graduating in the University of Life’ crap when usually all they did in the University of Life was sell f**king lollipops in the toilets of the campus nightclubs.

The only Facebook page you will ever need to see.

They’re the ones who will push everyone out of the way to make sure they sit at the front at lectures, will laugh too loud at the lecturers jokes in classes and seminars because they think the way to higher marks is by ‘cultivating’ and ‘networking’ instead of, uh, I dunno, studying like everyone else instead of running off the library to grab all the course books first before spending the day having ‘a well earned few jars’ at the student bar leering at ‘the talent.’

Don’t even start me on the ones who try flirting.

Yeah, some are okay, but most talk as much of the piss they smell of, set in their opinions and only interested in ‘facts’ which fit their preconceived world view and smugger than a vicar. If you don’t go to uni to broaden your mind, f**k off and leave a place open to someone who will.

Ugh! Mature students!

What grates about this pillock is he’s paid for a website, a dot com, barely posted anything on it, last posted to it over a year and a half ago, but still pays to have it online for – what?

Vanity? Listen bud, If I’d only passed my degree with 58% I’d be wanting to keep it quiet not broadcast it to the world.

The expectation that one day there will be a reason you need to have this dot com so your voice is heard? Dream on.

Twat.