News From The Nutters: Dear Eugene Grant, Please F**k Off You Skeety Vulture!

There’s no business like showbusiness, except perhaps gossip columnists, media critics and the rest of the parasites whose careers are far more dependent on the citizens of Tinsel Town than the reverse they try to fool themselves is the case.

When a celebrity dies, beyond the crocodile tears from those dependent on their reflected fame, there appears those same vultures circling round the corpse looking for one last free meal off them – or their first one of a new career.

In The Guardian, what a surprise.

Enter Eugene Grant, the latest in a long line of skeets looking to set themselves up as a ‘human rights’ advocate, in this case for dwarfism (which begs the question at once who appointed him to be Big Chief?). In a world where ‘rights’ advocates have grown increasingly more ridiculous as the rewards for getting on the gravy train has exploded, he’s been trying (very…) for years, but has encountered the problem best described as emotional constipation – people couldn’t care a shit.

Timing is everything. A decade of South Park lampooning self-proclaimed ‘oppressed minority’ witchfinder generals (life imitating farce when some tried to campaign for ‘ginger rights’, which to no one’s surprise drew more ire than support) struck a chord with a world weary of civil rights campaigners more interested in setting themselves with overpaid careers in government sanctioned control freakery for life while the lot of those they claim to advocate for seldom changed.

But now Grant he feels he has his moment in the bullshit storm over the premature death of Verne Troyer: the guy best known for those irritating casino adverts and once famous as Mini Me in the dreadful Austin Powers movies from that tedious era anything with a late 60s/early 70s vibe to it qualified as ‘comedy’.

(See also Anchorman – on second thoughts stab yourself with a rusty fork instead, you’re more likely to get a laugh than from watching any of that offal)

Like far too many with successful showbiz careers, Verne Troyer lived life to the excess only an endless money supply will provide, and ultimately caught up with him – not suicide as hinted, but from alcoholism (he’d been hospitalised earlier this month yet again as a result – something since omitted from reports in the rush to canonise him). Depression has been mentioned, but while true depression can lead to drinking, the reverse is also the case.

Grant claims that entertainment stereotyping is a continued bug bear for those of restricted growth, and ‘Loneliness and isolation are not unusual,’ pointing out that ‘over the years, several actors with dwarfism have killed themselves, including David Rappaport and Hervé Villechaize.’

Let’s put the record straight. David Rappaport enjoyed regular varied TV work in the UK before Time Bandits took him to Hollywood and endless opportunities, who not content with attempting to commit suicide two weeks before his wedding, finally did so on his son’s 14th birthday. Despite family commitments, Rappaport was another who partied as hard as he worked, something many put down to his overfondness for endless cups of coffee. We now know of course the effects too much coffee has on a normal human body – the effects on someone of the abnormal size and frame of a dwarf, physical and psychological, would be over double.

As for the famous Hervé Villechaize of The Man With The Golden Gun and ‘Fantasy Island’ fame, he was suffering (as many dwarves do) from long term health problems related to his condition – nothing to do with casting stereotyping. Less well stated was the late Christopher Lee’s autobiography ‘Tall, Dark and Gruesome’ in which the great man mentioned his shock upon learning what a monster his co-star had become since his big break in the James Bond movie (a not uncommon phenomena in Hollywood during the 1970s) – with a string of complaints about sexual harassment and assaulting actresses (which due to his size were not taken seriously) which only ceased upon being fired from ‘Fantasy Island’ when his ego proved more than the producers were willing to put up with.

Yet Eugene Grant persists in not merely lipsticking the pig but adding false eyelashes and mascara, claiming that Austin Powers ‘did huge damage to our struggles not just for positive representations, but for equality and respect more generally.’

Yes, because it’s been a real sucky time to be a dwarf. You know, with that Lord Of The Rings trilogy, that Hobbit trilogy, all those damned dwarves kicking ass to industrial strength. Yes, they were ‘normal’ short actors in the main and a lot of computer effects, but it’s still all a far cry from the days of circuses and ‘Hi ho hi ho!’  In fact, it’s been far, far away for a very long time. In 1979, as well as the greatest animated movie of all time, Watership Down, there was competition from a certain movie called The Tin Drum (and a foreign language film at that!) – the first German language movie to win an Oscar. Let us also not forget that other all time classic The Great Rock ‘n’ Roll Swindle from that year, starring a certain Helen Wellington-Lloyd (who amongst other claims to infamy was the inventor of the Sex Pistols ‘ransom note’ logo), known by her stage name as Helen of Troy.

Peter Dinklage wins two hundred billionth award for awesomeness and tries to look pleased while really thinking ‘where the devil am I going to find the room to store THIS one?’

What makes Eugene Grant’s claims even more absurd to the point of offence is that we are living in an age where one of the top actors is a dwarf – Peter Dinklage, whom since 2011 has acquired a preposterous fifty plus awards nominations for film and TV and is regarded as one of Tinseltown’s ‘must haves’ at casting calls.

This is what happens when you cross Tim Curry with Tony Banks of Genesis.

Before Dinklage, Warwick Davies and his family appeared to crop up in just about every second movie – from the Star Wars and Harry Potter franchises, to even both film series about the Chronicles of Narnia (yes, there has been more than one!) – to the extent he was forced to scale back on his commitments and start his own company Willow Management to deal with the entertainment’s world’s long standing difficulty of being able to acquire enough talented actors, actresses and production crews of abnormal size.

Which brings to mind that Troyer himself enjoyed far more success than the rest of those associated with the Austin Powers franchise which killed the careers of Mike Myers, Seth Green, Elizabeth Hurley and Heather Graham stone dead – and taking over roles which Warwick Davies could no longer cover such as in the Harry Potter franchise. The difference between him and both Dinklage and Davies is the latter two both kept their feet on the ground and never allowed the trappings of fame to come before their families. In that respect, none so different from any other celebrities – regardless of size, sexuality, race or any of the other excuses trotted out for those who failed to treat success and failure with the same distain and were burned by the cut-throat nature of the fame game.

Perhaps Eugene Grant should approach Willow Management and see if they’re taking on more clients seeing that he’s so desperate to get a slice of the fame and fortune action? He’s more chance than he’s got trying to put himself around as some sort of Dr. David Nelson.