The Lonely Island Chronicles: Episode 10 – ‘I Used To Be Entomophobic Like You – Then I Took An Arrow In The Squee!’

Lonely Island was created and owned by Rflong7/13, but was taken over by some undead Simmies for a bit of peace and quiet after involuntary resurrection from Ivy Hill Graveyard. It includes some others escaping from their own ‘life issues’, and is a sanctuary for the much maligned Butterfly of Doom and many other misunderstood species of Sims nature.

It’s games night at Tyneham Castle.

‘Now don’t read anything into any of this, you lot. I like Skyrim as much as anyone else, even if it goes condone graverobbing and gives the undead a pretty raw deal if you ask me.’

‘What I can’t make head nor tail of is the way this lot have started acting ever since Dragonborn came out.’

‘***SCREAM!*** IT’S ONE OF THEM!’

‘One of them’ being a Big Enormous Frostbite Spider. Confronted in the game by Little Hazel The Enormous Wuss.

‘Oh prithee, prithee, tell me when it hath gone from the screen!’

‘If you think that’s pathetic, wait until you see their reactions to what came with the Dawnguard add-on.’

***SOUND OF FIVE SETS OF UNDERWEAR NEEDING CHANGED!***

‘Oh I hate its beastly buzz! I hate its beastly wings! I hate it’s beastly fat legs! I hate its beastly stings! I hate its evil eyes! Every part of it I doth despise!’

‘Switchy no like Switchy no like Switchy no like! Hit it with fireballs! Hit it with maximum shock spells and make it disintegrate so we don’t even have to look at its horrible corpse either with all its legs doing dead leg things that dead yuckity-yucky-yuck things do to terrorise you even when they’re dead because they’re so evil!’

‘THERE’S NO TIME FOR THAT! HIT IT WITH A NUCLEAR BOMB! A BIG ONE!’

‘Why did they have to ruin our awesome game with this horribleness? It’s going to make lots of children entomophobic! They shouldn’t be allowed to get away with this in something meant to be fun! They ought to have them arrested for digital bullying or something!’

‘Indeed Cloverstardrop! It is most unbecoming of the gentlefolk behind this enterprise that they should chose to enter such debasement upon such a fine diversion! Sisters! Let it not be said that the house of Tyneham shall partake of silence to this pudh! We shall each write a stiff letter to The Times this very evening!’

‘Yeah, yeah, yeah, course you will, you bunch of blouses! But just watch what happens now when they encounter one of the deadliest creatures introduced with the recent Dragonborn update!’

‘OhMyPlumbobOhMyPlumbobOhMyPlumbobOhMyPlumbobOhMyPlumbob! It’s so sweet and pretty and adorable and cute and wonderful I want to cry!’

‘I want to cuddle it and love it and cover it in pink ribbons and brush all its little legs hairs and feed it chocolate and Sprite and make it a little bed made up with fluffy duckling feathers and – like – EVERYTHING!‘

‘If you’re reaching for the sick bucket already folks, I’d better warn you, this is only the warm up!’

‘Prithee, Willow! Use the Pacify spell upon it, so that it does not retire sore afraid of hurts, but does tarry without danger of embattlement, so that we may perchance enawe upon its pulchritude! But remember to apologise to it after you hath done it.’

‘Let it be so! Is it not the most awesomesauceness ever?! I bet Paarthurnax loves them too!’

‘Here was me thinking these evil little buggers will have you for breakfast as soon as look at you – and come in two kamikaze exploding varieties as well!’

‘Oh do cease your prattle, Elysia, you big meanie knickerbockers! Just because you’re too hard and cruel to appreciate what a splendour of creation it truly is. It inspires me to art – to music!’

‘I’m going to build it its own Minecraft cave too!’

‘Luvva duck!’

‘I’m going to embroider a tapestry of the finest silk in its honour! Then I shall carve a chair – nay, a whole range of furnishings as ornate and as exquisite as itself!’

‘I’m going to brew a fine vintage nectar in its name! The flavours will be as delicate as its touch, the colour as fullsome red as its little eyes!’

‘I swear to plumbob that this lot would rock it in their arms singing lullubies and bottlefeed the bloody things if they could!’

‘I wouldn’t bottle feed it – I’d breastfeed it!’

‘Yew WOT? ‘

‘Me too!’

‘Me too!’

‘Me too!’

‘Me too!’

‘I am SO out of here! Does anyone have a spare padded cell I can fling five arachnofrotteurs into?’

Solstheim Albino Spiders. Their bites are of sugar, they spit venom made from candy syrup and they only cause people to die from terminal orgasms.

Do so!

DO SO!

The last part was written at the insistance of Haily at knifepoint.