Haily Farber’s Search For Spiritual Truth With Foamy The Squirrel As Part Of A Nutritious Breakfast

‘Good evening. It has come to my attention that tonight’s download concerns items pertaining to that most marvellous creation of 21st century, the comic strip and cartoon Neurotically Yours by Jonathan Ian Mathers.’

‘I know what some of you out there are thinking already, yeah so wut, anuthur load of t-shirts, posters, murals and shiz from those Jazz-Hands wackjobs. Well this isn’t just another download for your game. This is important. So important, it may just save your life.’

‘Foamy is the greatest living being in the history of civilisation. Without Foamy, you are nothing! Since you’re not Foamy, you ARE nothing! The only way for you to atone for your lack of Foaminess is to sign over all your worldly possessions and your body to the Foamy Card Cult and agree to allow him to do whatever unspeakable things your Lord and Squirrely Master deems fit to do with your unworthy carcass.’

‘Every ideology, philosophy and religion in the history of the world has brought ultimately nothing but ignorance, regression and misery to all lifeforms with their empty promises and false teachings. This is the inevitable failing of any system of belief that does not have centre to its core the signing over of yourself body, mind, soul and especially bank account and all real estate to Foamy.’

‘Only through Foamy can you be saved. Only through Foamy can you find everlasting bliss in the catharsis of his Squirrely Wrath. Foamy rants for you daily about the f**king stupidity, lame-assery and nut-suckery of everyone and why a nuclear holocaust and a billion pandemics are too good for us, so you may know his Will and be at peace. Only through Foamy can you be taken to a creamy-cheese-cheesy cream paradise for all eternity. Or at least he can, with all your money and the profits from your real estate and selling your carcasses for scientific experiments after pimping them to Anchovie for ten bucks for whatever deprativity he sees fit (five bucks surcharge if an ultra-depravity).’

‘Anyone who fails to accept Foamy as their Lord and Master will incur his Squirrely wrath, and furthurmore I will come round to your house and fist-f**k you in your f**king f**kface with your own severed limbs! Got that?’

‘If you realise that deep down you are unworthy to bring Foamy into your life and should probably just go and fling yourself in the bathtub with the toaster plugged in (unless you’ve some other weird plans with the toaster in the bathtub if you’re Anchovie), you can still atone for your biological deformity that makes you unable to comprehend his awesomecreamycheeseness by buying his cereal.’

‘Here is Hazel Tyneham to demonstrate why Neurotically Cereals is the cornerstone of a nutritious breakfast.’

‘Sorry? Haily, did you say something?’

‘You’re going to demonstrate why Neurotically Cereals is the cornerstone of a nutritious breakfast.’

‘Am I?’

‘It takes the milk and bowl out from the fridge. It puts the cereal in the bowl, or it gets the hose again!’

‘Hmmph! It takes the bowl of Figwit and goes elsewhere to have one’s breakfast in peace whilst Haily’s having one of her funny turns!’

‘Bitch! You wait until I get you in the showers later!’

‘Oh wait, here’s Willow who is going to help instead. ‘It takes the milk and bowl out from the fridge. It puts the cereal in the bowl…’

‘No it doesn’t, you giglet!’

‘Put the cereal in the f**king bowl! Wait! Come back! It’s got nine essential drugs and medicated babies heads, and there’s a free Porn Tart inside every box!’

‘Cease your vexations, for even if I wanted to eat that kibble there’s nothing left in any of the boxes as you use them for midnight snacks whilst watching The Snuff Channel, you uerteþ pipkin!’

‘Er, which is proof why Neurotically Cereals should be part of your daily diet as it’s made me the Simmie I am today!’

‘If that doesn’t put them off, nothing will!’

‘Can it, Willow – or you’ll be farting Figwit flakes and milk for the rest of the week!’

‘So dear Simmers, please download the Neurotically Yours Sims 3 custom content pack of t-shirts, hooded tops, poster pictures, murals and breakfast cereal and give your Simmies a treat they will love and cherish forever. Or be unable to walk properly and sit down at all for a month. Remember, I only do it because I love you!’