Gnubb Club – Matchday 1: Jazz-Hands GC vs Simpletons GC – Game 1

6 May, 2011

Welcome Gnubb-hubbers and Gnubb-n00bers alike to the inaugural Gnubb Club match, with Jazz-Hands Gnubb Club taking on that from Simpletons.

The format is simple, both teams have six players each, two playing against two at a time.

Each team gets three batons for one player to throw per turn, and the object is to throw them underarm at your opponents five bunny gnubbs to knock them all down before trying to knock over the nearer (but heavier) King Gnubb to win the game.

Matches are played over the best of five games.

In emergencies (toilet or otherwise) a player can be substituted mid-game for another in their team that has not yet played, but a substituted player – whether on or off – cannot play any subsequent games in the match until all other unplayed members in their team have played at least one game to a finish first.

If that leaves a team having to play a subsequent match with only one player, the overall Gnubb Rule of TTGN (‘Tough Tittie Gnubb N00b!’) applies.

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From Simpletons comes a squad consisting of: Zeri, Shay (Gramcrackers), Beth (GreenB70), Florida1Cowboy, Blueeyed32 and Whtrbt, with Pollysim and Cororon as reserves should anything untoward happen.

So who did they expect to be their star player for the day?

Care to comment Whtrbt?

‘Shay’s the one for number one!’

‘Hey, hey, hey, it’s a beautiful Shay day!’

‘Pffffffffffffffffffffft! May her poos be forever jaggy!***‘

***Ancient curse from Sims Medieval times from the days of chamber pots, no soft bum paper and a lot more wholegrains in the diet.

Ahem, thank you Willow, sporting as ever.

Yes, Shay was the one both sides had their hopes -and fears – pinned on before the start.

There was some trouble beforehand however from Zeri and Florida1Cowboy.

‘Here! Come back at once!’

‘Eat my shorts, Elysia! We’re not missing the first show of the new series of South Park for anything – we’ll come back later!’

‘Tsch! Innit marvellous?’

(Zeri and Florida1Cowboy kept running away, no matter what was tried with Twallan’s Mastercontroller. Gave up, and they returned of their own accord shortly after!)

Haily (from Skeletal Screams Blogspot) also had other ideas.

‘Can we play baseball instead?’

No, Haily – we cannot play baseball. They haven’t invented it for Simmies yet.

‘Can we garrote the losing team as a tribute to the goddess Pele?’

Er, no Haily, we can’t do that either.

Crestfallen, Haily chose to go and mix drinks instead. Would you want to try a drink from a juice bartender with that look on their face?

‘Does that mean cocktails are off?’

Unless you want ones with the adjective lethal applied in front, yes Zeri.

‘Mind if I run off again to find myself a drinkable with ice and a slice?’

Shay was looking pretty lethal in her pre-match warm up with her chosen team partner Beth, which was probably the reason for the reluctance of the home side to get a duo together prepared to face them first up.

Finally however Elysia persuaded Willow who in turn succeeded in persuading Switch to take part (under pain of telling Haily that she wanted to play ‘How High Can You Try?’ with Haily’s adjustable voltage electric chair), both hoping they weren’t going to get well Gnubbed at the hands of Shay. Switch kept on her Half-Life t-shirt in protest as being press-ganged into the game.

Shay let the homesters (or should that be homsars in Switch’s case?) begin the match. Very sporting.

With Willow electing to pick up the wood first.

Three throws, and three strikes. Now it was Shay’s turn, while Beth sloped off to have a quick bite to eat before her own.

By the time all four had a turn each, it was clear the game wasn’t going according to the script.

Simpletons were trailing 4-1, the only point coming from Shay, with Willow up next needing only two hits from three batons to take the first game.

The first baton hit the bunny gnubb, but –

– it didn’t fall.

‘Ha ha, kid – suck it up! There goes your beginners luck!’

Switch could barely watch as Willow applied the maxim of if at first you don’t succeed –

– try –

– try again!

‘Oh rats!’
‘Oh double rats!’

Shay knew she had to score a hat-trick to keep Simpletons in the game, which she duly did in lightning fashion, leaving the score at 5-4, with Switch up next and three bites at the Gnubb king cherry. The way she’d been throwing, she was going to need it!

‘Ye Gods! What is that confounded cacophony?’

‘Mwahahahahha! Our secret weapon!’

‘Don’t mind me ladies, man’s gotta put in some practice before ma next gig! Hope I’m not putting you off your throw or anything, sweetheart!’

Oooo, what a dirty trick – setting up his drumkit to give Switch a sarcastic drumroll as she teed up her shots at the King Gnubb!

(This really did happen in the game by the way, Florida1Cowboy!)

Cloverstardrop’s first throw went wide, the second gave the King a glancing blow, that caused a brief wobble, but no more.

‘Why, the big cheating bumnugget! It’s not British, and it’s not cricket!’

But Florida1Cowboy’s not British, and this sure ain’t cricket!

Nothing in the rules that says you can’t indulge in a bit of gamesmanship to put your opponents off their game. Just imagine what it’s going to be like when Generations comes along!

Now just wanting to get her turn over with, Switch hurried her last throw.

‘I don’t believe it!’

First game to Jazz-Hands Gnubb Club.

Shay and Beth were left to wonder where they’d gone wrong.

Willow and Cloverstardrop to wonder where they’d gone right, the latter gracefully accepting their unexpected victory.

‘Nyaaaah! So much for your little drummer boy! Bow down to my crabbiness!

‘Nyaaaah! One Switch fluke does not a summer make! It takes you three turns to hit just one Gnubb. Next game with the same teams as before, and you’re doing DOOOOWN, right Shay?’

‘Er, right.’

(Thinks: ‘Damn! Now I can’t get rid of her for Florida1Cowboy!’)

‘Oh, it’s ON sista, it’s ON! You’re gonna get SERVED! Right, Willow?’

‘Um, yes. I haven’t been this excited since Mama took us to Dolstekov’s exhibition at the Louve of his latest works in abstract paint drying.’

Looks like Elysia’s not the only one with much on her plate.

‘Of course, they’re assuming there’s going to be a fourth match to play. Meh – who am I kidding, of course there will be. We suck at this! Gnubb’s just an excuse for us to eat a lot of badly cooked BBQed food. But shhhhhh – don’t let Zeri and the rest know, they postponed a match against Boolprop Fight The Addiction False for this thinking we’re pros!’

One game gone, it’s one-nil for the home side, and still all to play for – report on the second game of the match to follow soon!